Falling in and out of love... Is it a human nature or culture?

[MwanajamiiOne]

Habarini waungwana.

Ninaomba mnisaidie katika hili.

Nimekuwa nikisoma, sikia na kushuhudia wenzetu (wazungu) wakikumbana na sijui niite tatizo au challenge katika safari zao za mahusiano ya kimapenzi.

nimekuwa nikisikia wapenzi wakiachana kwa sababu tu mmoja wao amefall out of love just like that : I think I have falling out of love, I dont feel the love anymore, I dont want to be married anymore, I think am in love with someone else!!..... then kinachofuatia hapo ni divorce.

Nimekuwa nikijiuliza maswali makuu matatu;
1. Je kwetu sisi hivi vitu hutokea? mbona hatusikii au kuona ndoa zikivunjika kwa sababu kama hizi? Inawezekana ni culture ya wazungu ndio inaruhusu hivyo?

2. Kama inatokea tunaziaccomodate vipi? au ndo hizo nyumba ndogo tunazozishuhudia kila mara?

3. If its so then ipi ni bora kwa afya zetu both kimapenzi na kibinadamu? kuwa mkweli kuhusu feelings zako na kumweleza mwenzio au kuficha na kutafuta faraja nje?

Naomba mnisaidie.

 

[Joyceline]

Hayo matatizo hata kwa waafrica yako, lakini tatizo letu siyo wawazi na watu walifundishwa kuvumilia ndoa kwa hiyo unakuta hata kama mtu hamfeel tena mwenzake, hawezi kumuambia anakufa na tai shingoni, anaamua kutafuta faraja nje au kuanza kufany vituko.
Mi nafikiri ni mtu kuwa wazi kwa mwenzako jinsi unavyojisikia na mtafute chanzo cha hilo tatizo ni nini? maana huwezi tu from no where ukaanza kumchukia mwenzako, mkipata sababu najua mtaweza kurekebisha na mtarudi kwenye hali ya kawaida, sidhani kama kuachana ndo njia bora ya kutatua tatizo, kwenye mapenzi kuna kupanda na kushuka utaachana na wangapi? si utamaliza dunia nzima.

 

[MwanajamiiOne]

Hayo matatizo hata kwa waafrica yako, lakini tatizo letu siyo wawazi na watu walifundishwa kuvumilia ndoa kwa hiyo unakuta hata kama mtu hamfeel tena mwenzake, hawezi kumuambia anakufa na tai shingoni, anaamua kutafuta faraja nje au kuanza kufany vituko.
Mi nafikiri ni mtu kuwa wazi kwa mwenzako jinsi unavyojisikia na mtafute chanzo cha hilo tatizo ni nini? maana huwezi tu from no where ukaanza kumchukia mwenzako, mkipata sababu najua mtaweza kurekebisha na mtarudi kwenye hali ya kawaida, sidhani kama kuachana ndo njia bora ya kutatua tatizo, kwenye mapenzi kuna kupanda na kushuka utaachana na wangapi? si utamaliza dunia nzima.

Aksante joyceline kwa hiyo kutokana na mchango wako ni wazi kuwa hili la falling out of love ni human nature na si culture kama nilivyokuwa nafikiri mwanzoni. Ila jinsi ya kukabiliana na hali hii ndio mambo ya culture yanaingia: mambo ya uvumilivu.

Nilikuwa ninadhani kuwa hawa wanapoambiana hivi huwa hakuna njia yotyote itakayomfanya mtamkaji abadili mawazo ili arudi pendoni hata kama hafeel kitu tena!

 

[Epitome]

The truth is, as you rightly say is the issue of culture. In our society, those things happens alot but because of the culture its not not something that the society will find appealing as a reason for divorce, so in most cases when people fall out of love, they just stay and they dont say it, but will find another alternative like nyumba ndogo and stuff.

I think for Western societies because of their culture of openess and the fact that people are much individualistic i.e care much abour their own satisfaction irrespective of what the other people will feel, its easy for them to just say it openely if they feel that they are not enjoying it anymore.

Now, judging on which one is a correct approach i think will largely depend on which values and norms of life do you subscribe to. I think each one of them has its own prons and cons, if you decide to be honest with yourself. Becuase for a person who does not have any religion and living in countries where HIV is rates are so small, may be he will find alot of reasons as to why he should seek divorce when he/she is not enjoying anymore, which will be quite a contrast to a very religious person who is living in Mbabane where HIV rate is 43%.

By and large, i think the right approach will depend on individual circumstances and his/her value structure, because for instance when you have children you can see the decision will be a bit more serious than when you dont. But falling our of love is there even in our society,and reckon it may be even more than in Western countries, but off course we deal with that differently in a more accomodative way (which may be a good approach in the long run)

 

[mubelwa]

Mwanajamiione....umeleta topic yenye majibu mengi kuliko maswali uliyotaka kusaidiwa, hii ni kutokana na ukweli kwamba hapa una-touch feelings za mtu kwenye love...and so is to say feelings zetu hazifanani:
well, inshort hayo yapo humu bongo kama huja-come accross them usijali, one day you will..si bado unaishi?
MAPENZI UYAANZAVYO NDO HUWA NA KUISHA HIVYO..ULIVYOPENDA MWANZO VIKIANZA KUFIFIA OBVIOUSLY PROBLEMS ZITAARISE..BUT UPENDO HAUBADILIKI...SO ILI KUEPUKA HAYO UNAYOYASIKIA, MAPENZI YAUNGANIKE NA UPENDO!!!

 

[MwanajamiiOne]

Epitome
You have nailled it down very well. Thank you Mkuu you have enlightened me at a greater extent.

 

[mubelwa]

Duh!umemwaga mistari ya ukweli mr/miss...enewei, high 5 to you,i wasn't aware if love matters are bound to culture...well in presentations yes, but ukweli love is an independent varriable to norms, culture, formula etc. People wanaingia kwenye system ya love kutokana na desires zao and so hapo hamna culture wala luckydube..people wana act that way automaticaly...ikifikia level ya kutaka kufall outta love..maana yake part ya desires zako zishakuwa met and you're looking for filling those which havn't yet...alooo!!!!tunaelekea pabaya people

 

[MwanajamiiOne]

Mwanajamiione....umeleta topic yenye majibu mengi kuliko maswali uliyotaka kusaidiwa, hii ni kutokana na ukweli kwamba hapa una-touch feelings za mtu kwenye love...and so is to say feelings zetu hazifanani:
well, inshort hayo yapo humu bongo kama huja-come accross them usijali, one day you will..si bado unaishi?
MAPENZI UYAANZAVYO NDO HUWA NA KUISHA HIVYO..ULIVYOPENDA MWANZO VIKIANZA KUFIFIA OBVIOUSLY PROBLEMS ZITAARISE..BUT UPENDO HAUBADILIKI...SO ILI KUEPUKA HAYO UNAYOYASIKIA, MAPENZI YAUNGANIKE NA UPENDO!!!

Aksante sana Mubelwa kwa kunifumbua macho nilikuwa naelewa kuwa kila ninavyojiuliza juu ya hili napata jibu lake but problem was whether I was right katika hayo majibu ndo mana nikaseek msaada. Nut Mkuu nimekuelewa bila shaka.

So I should wait for my turn as long as I am living I will come accross the situation one day... Is that what you are saying? Its a must ..... no?

So it is better for me to know what to do when that time comes. nisije nikajidai naitafuta furaha yangu kama ambavyo nimekuwa nikiamini kuwa kama tumeumbwa tufurahie maisha why lijitu usilozaliwa nalo lije likupe kero na kuhinder furaha yako ! kumbe I was of more individualist that what my culture allows. Hili umenifumbua macho wewe.

 

[Shingo]

Yes kuna falling out of love. Is this permanent or suala la muda tu?? Ni vigumu kusema inategemeana na wahusika wenyewe na jinsi mtakavyo react after falling out of love.

Kuna wakati hamu ya mwenzio inaisha and you feel kuvaa viatu visivyokuwa vyako. Ni kweli kutokana na culture wengine hukimbilia mke wa pili, mke mwingine au nyumba ndogo.

Wale waislam pamoja na African Traditionalist huu ni wakati wa kufikiria mke wa pili (paralell polygamy). Mapenzi yakirudi (falling back in love) bi mdogo hupigwa chini na bi mkubwa kurudi ulingoni.

Kwa wale wakristo nyumba ndogo ndo zinazaliwa kipindi hiki (bado ni parallel polygamy). Mapenzi yanaporudi nyumba ndogo huwa dumped na reconciliation hukubalika.

Western culture hukimbilia mahakamani kuvunja ndoa na kuoa mwingine (Serial polygamy). Ngoma huwa pale mapenzi yanaporudi wakati alishaoa mwingine.

Kwa hiyo polygamy ni natural kwa sababu hii?? I doubt. Labda tukubali kuwa mapenzi hupata mafua au malaria au ukimwi. Ikiwa mapenzi yalipata mafua au malaria, baada ya kufall out of love kwa kipindi fulani mapenzi hurudi kwa nguvu na watu kurudiana.

Ikiwa mapenzi yamepata ukimwi, basi hakuna tiba. Yanakufa completely.
Yes kufall-out of love kunaonesha kuwa exclussive one-on-one relationship is not a perfect thing. It is subject to trying times just like any other thing.

Does this prove that polygamy is natural? This is debatable. Lakini kwa cases zote hapo juu, inaonekana polygamy is what people chooses. Serial or parallel. Watu wote, iwe ni wazungu au waafrika, waarabu, wachina na wahindi pia.

 

[MwanajamiiOne]

Duh!umemwaga mistari ya ukweli mr/miss...enewei, high 5 to you,i wasn't aware if love matters are bound to culture...well in presentations yes, but ukweli love is an independent varriable to norms, culture, formula etc. People wanaingia kwenye system ya love kutokana na desires zao and so hapo hamna culture wala luckydube..people wana act that way automaticaly...ikifikia level ya kutaka kufall outta love..maana yake part ya desires zako zishakuwa met and you're looking for filling those which havn't yet...alooo!!!!tunaelekea pabaya people

........ Inawezekana kuna ukweli usemayo but hey before going that far labda tudefine system ya love ni nini? Kwa sababu kama tutaidefine kwa jinsi tunavyoijua sisi wabantu (muunganiko wa hiari kwa watu wapendanao) basi tutakuwa tunaogelea katika bahari moja kuwa kweli mapenzi hayaingiliwi na culture wala nini ila sijui wale wanaamua kuingia katika hizo systems kwa sababu mbalimbali zaidi ya love tutawaweka wapi? Mfano mtu anataka kuoa kwa vile umri umekwwenda (si kwamba culture ya mahali anapoishi inamtegemea awe na familia katika umri flani?)

Kuhusu falling out of love- kama nimemwelewa vizuri Epitom nio kuwa watu wanawezafall out of love but wakashindwa kujiexpress feelings hizo kwa kuwa katika society anayokaa culture haimruhusu kuoa/lewa na kuachika kwa kufuata feelings zake au nimesoma vibaya?

 

[Shingo]

Kwenye hili cultural dimension ni muhimu. Ingawa mapenzi is a thing of two and the chemistry and biology between them, tamaduni, mila na desturi zina mchango mkubwa wa nini kitatokea baadaye. Mapenzi huingiliwa na mila na desturi pale yanapoanza kuwa wazi na kujulikana. Tayari kuna norms fulani ambazo watu wanaowazunguka wanazitarajia.

Na kwa hiyo linapokuja suala la kufall-out yes culture ndo kimbilio. Kwa nini culture iwe kimbilio wakati haikuwaweka pamoja? Eeen, kilichowaweka pamoja (chemistry and biology) kimeshindwa na hivyo msaada unahitajika. Hapa tamaduni mbali mbali hujazilizia.

 

[Ikena]

Nature!!? No,,,Gravitational force can never be held responsible for people falling in love.

 

[mubelwa]

Duh!nlimaanisha kama hujaona leo utaona kesho..not you dude!but since binadamu hawezi kuishi maisha ya binadamu wote..maisha mengine twayaona kwa jirani..utaona hata kwa mtaa..

Well people system ya love...nlimaanisha love in its core..mpaka definition ya love mmeshai-formulate! You guys ni nomaaa!!! Well, mambo ya shule hayo..kila kitu kina definition.....to me, love is more than that.."infinity" and "eternal" so to define..hapo namaanisha hao wajomba na mashangazi zangu wana-fall outta body desires and not love!!love ni issue nyingine but since topic imekuja kinamna hiyo lets deal with it..

 

[MwanajamiiOne]

Yes kuna falling out of love. Is this permanent or suala la muda tu?? Ni vigumu kusema inategemeana na wahusika wenyewe na jinsi mtakavyo react after falling out of love.

Kuna wakati hamu ya mwenzio inaisha and you feel kuvaa viatu visivyokuwa vyako. Ni kweli kutokana na culture wengine hukimbilia mke wa pili, mke mwingine au nyumba ndogo.

Wale waislam pamoja na African Traditionalist huu ni wakati wa kufikiria mke wa pili (paralell polygamy). Mapenzi yakirudi (falling back in love) bi mdogo hupigwa chini na bi mkubwa kurudi ulingoni.

Kwa wale wakristo nyumba ndogo ndo zinazaliwa kipindi hiki (bado ni parallel polygamy). Mapenzi yanaporudi nyumba ndogo huwa dumped na reconciliation hukubalika.

Western culture hukimbilia mahakamani kuvunja ndoa na kuoa mwingine (Serial polygamy). Ngoma huwa pale mapenzi yanaporudi wakati alishaoa mwingine.

Kwa hiyo polygamy ni natural kwa sababu hii?? I doubt. Labda tukubali kuwa mapenzi hupata mafua au malaria au ukimwi. Ikiwa mapenzi yalipata mafua au malaria, baada ya kufall out of love kwa kipindi fulani mapenzi hurudi kwa nguvu na watu kurudiana.

Ikiwa mapenzi yamepata ukimwi, basi hakuna tiba. Yanakufa completely.
Yes kufall-out of love kunaonesha kuwa exclussive one-on-one relationship is not a perfect thing. It is subject to trying times just like any other thing.

Does this prove that polygamy is natural? This is debatable. Lakini kwa cases zote hapo juu, inaonekana polygamy is what people chooses. Serial or parallel. Watu wote, iwe ni wazungu au waafrika, waarabu, wachina na wahindi pia.

Shingo aksante sana nafikiri umenisaidia katika kuichambua vizuri kwa kuiweka katika perspectives za dini na culture. Sasa naanza kuelewa why huwa wanasema kuwa katika ndoa kuna hatua ambazo lazima wanandoa wazipitie. Na hii ya falling out nadhani ndio hii wanayoiita HATUA YA MATESO, MAJONZI NA TABU- the Miserable stage ambapo wanandoa hushangaana kwa nini kila mmoja ameoana na mwenzake, anaanza kuona makosa ya mwenzake na kuwish angebadilika kila kitu na kuwa mtu mwingine tofauti.

Naamini wakati huu ndio ambao walevi wa pombe hujikita humo ili tu apoteze mawazo ya kuishi na mtu ambaye hamfeel tena, walevi wa kazi hujizamisha kwenye kazi kwa madai ya kuandaa future bila kumjali mwenzi na mwishowe uvumilivu huwa haba na kutafuta suluhisho kwenye nyumba ndogo, na ndoa huwa ni vilio, majonzi, Stress, BP, pressure, kukosa usingizi, na mwisho 9especially kwa wenzetu divorce.

 

[kitatange]

Mwanajamiione....umeleta topic yenye majibu mengi kuliko maswali uliyotaka kusaidiwa, hii ni kutokana na ukweli kwamba hapa una-touch feelings za mtu kwenye love...and so is to say feelings zetu hazifanani:
well, inshort hayo yapo humu bongo kama huja-come accross them usijali, one day you will..si bado unaishi?
MAPENZI UYAANZAVYO NDO HUWA NA KUISHA HIVYO..ULIVYOPENDA MWANZO VIKIANZA KUFIFIA OBVIOUSLY PROBLEMS ZITAARISE..BUT UPENDO HAUBADILIKI...SO ILI KUEPUKA HAYO UNAYOYASIKIA, MAPENZI YAUNGANIKE NA UPENDO!!!

Very important: Knowing the difference btn MAPENZI and MAPENDO!

 

[MwanajamiiOne]

Kwa hiyo wenzetu wao wanayo mapenzi tu hawana mapendo kwa sababu kama nimewaelewa vizuri ni kwamba ukiwa mapenzini unaweza kufall out ila ukiwa mapendoni huwezi is that what you guys are trying to say?

 

[kitatange]

Duh!nlimaanisha kama hujaona leo utaona kesho..not you dude!but since binadamu hawezi kuishi maisha ya binadamu wote..maisha mengine twayaona kwa jirani..utaona hata kwa mtaa..

Well people system ya love...nlimaanisha love in its core..mpaka definition ya love mmeshai-formulate! You guys ni nomaaa!!! Well, mambo ya shule hayo..kila kitu kina definition.....to me, love is more than that.."infinity" and "eternal" so to define..hapo namaanisha hao wajomba na mashangazi zangu wana-fall outta body desires and not love!!love ni issue nyingine but since topic imekuja kinamna hiyo lets deal with it..

Mulebwa please more details on the difference between MAPENZI and MAPENDO. You may save us a lot of time searching in vain while we aint sure if we are searching for MAPENDO or MAPENZI and which is the one we really need!

 

[kitatange]

Mulebwa please more details on the difference between MAPENZI and MAPENDO. You may save us a lot of time searching in vain while we aint sure if we are searching for MAPENDO or MAPENZI and which is the one we really need!

Sorry Mubelwa

 

[mubelwa]

No,make them one thing....mapenz na mapendo together..how is that?
Well mapenzi ni feelings zako hormonaly controled(cns) but mapendo is a spirit..heartly controled...this things are controled with two different centers in the brain...hapa biology inaingia zaidi guys but inshort ni mambo ya conditioned reflexes na autoreflexes...mpo hapo jameni?

 

[Offish]

... ipi ni bora ...kuwa mkweli kuhusu feelings zako na kumweleza mwenzio au kuficha na kutafuta faraja nje?

Naomba mnisaidie.

Hali hii huwatokea binadamu wote ila hatua za kuchukua zinatofautina kwa mtu na mtu na sehemu kwa sehemu kulingana na sababu tele tu ikiwemo ya tamaduni zetu.

Kwa mtazamo wangu sio talaka wala nyumba ndogo ni kimbilio la 'feelings' kama hizo. Njia sahihi katika mahusiano ya ndoa siku zote ni kukumbuka tu kuwa 'LOVE IS AN INVESTMENT' i.e. don't fall in LOVE, but rather invest in it.

If you invest in LOVE, you will never ever abandon your best half in favour of entertaining pleasant or unpleasant 'feelings', which briefly come off and disappear just like orgasm!