So you got lucky and married a Chagga. Let me warn you – Chagga's have a thing with status quo. When you meet a Chagga and he rises an eye brow, by that gesture he doesn't mean he's trying to place you, he actually means, "and you are?" Granted, names are everything to many people. They says it's connections that get you places. But duuh! I used to think our cousins up there are bad, but kweli us Chaggas deserve a trophy! If your family does not have clout – then consider yourself status quos – no name – a nobody.
"Shimbonyi mbee. Yesterday I invited Mushi over for some brandy, that livestock thief," I want to hear a Chagga say that one day.
You go to a Chagga funeral or wedding – kama ni jina fulani, you will see all the big shots seated at a ‘high table', where they will be doing what they do best – erm, telling it as it is … If there is no high table, which is most unlikely – anyway, how to spot a Chagga with clout at a big gathering – there will be a bottle of VSOP, blue label or black label something on the table.
"Yesterday I wired my daughter who is studying in Canada US$ 10,000 for her birthday present." One would start with a goblet of the best Cognac in his hand, "she wants a car … when I was working for the embassy in the UK, Nyerere used to be the guest in my house … you see my Mercedes, it's custom made … my daughter can not speak a word of Swahili. She didn't grow up here, you see … my first born got his degree from Harvard, my second born from Yale and the last is doing his degree at Oxford … I'm alone today, missus has gone to Dubai for shopping. She need a new car, the X5 is getting to familiar – everybody has it. Even Rweyemamu has it jamani!"
Lets take this story about this Chagga boy, lets call him Lelo. Lelo had accompanied his friend, lets call him Nderima, to the airport to pick up Nderima's father. Lelo was the one who was driving the car. Lelo loved cars – so whenever he got the chance to be behind the wheel, he would beg and gravel. Anyway, so Nderima's father got into the car and after brief introductions, like any typical Chagga (man) he wanted to know more about Lelo.
"So Lelo, what's your father's name?"
"Massawe, baba."
"Aah, Massawe with the gas station? Great man1 Very intelligent!"
"No, baba. Not that Massawe, baba." Infact they were not even related maskini – even by clanship
Nderima's father kept quiet hoping that Lelo would say something else, say a bit more to the story. After what seemed like a mortuary silence, he went on, "so is the Massawe with the chain of butcheries your father then?"
"No baba."
"Massawe whose daughter is married to that tycoon of …"
"Hapana baba," Lelo interrupted even before Baba Nderima could finish his sentence.
"Okay, it must be that Massawe with the hotel in …"
"Hapana baba."
"Aaah, it must be that Massawe who has been with the UN since …" Baba Nderima started off dreamily as he leaned on his walking stick – but again he got interrupted.
"No baba," Lelo replied, with his grip getting tighter on the steering wheel.
"Then who the hell is your father, boy?"
"John Massawe, baba."
"John Massawe? Hmmm … the name doesn't sound familiar at all," Nderima's father scratches his balding head. "what does he do?"
"He is one of the labourers at the coffee plantation …"
Before Lelo could even finish his sentence, Nderima's father tapped him on his shoulder with his walking stick with ivory and a gold plaited tip, "stop the car boy."
"Dad, what is wrong?" Nderima asked his father.
"The boy has no name! His father is a labourer, for chrissake? What will I tell my friends? Whom will I tell drove me from the airport? A nobody?!" He growled.
Source: Sandra Mushi