Alvin_255
JF-Expert Member
- Oct 26, 2015
- 246
- 503
Blame is defined as assigning responsibility for a fault or wrong. We blame others for a number of events: so and so made us late, she made me feel guilty, they pressured me to make a decision, he made me explode with rage. Blaming others leads to several unhelpful emotions, such as resentment, anger, and hatred. We blame others for our behaviors, our thoughts, and our feelings that are negative. I have yet to meet anyone who blames people for the good things that happen in our lives.
So why do people blame others?
The reason why people usually blame others is that it’s a quick escape from guilt. Blame is an incredibly easy and effortless tactic to use when we feel defensive. If you don’t hold yourself accountable for the consequences of your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, you get to continue living life thinking that you don’t have any flaws or areas needing improvement. Blame is often used by those of us who have a desire or need to be perfect. When discussing blame with clients, I find that clients who blame more usually have the irrational demand “I must/should/ought to be perfect and if I’m not, then I’m unworthy/unloveable/a failure/etc.” Holding ourselves accountable for our actions usually puts us in a vulnerable position, and as a result, it can be difficult to do.
When we blame others, we refuse responsibility for our contributions to the problem. Blaming other people is an easy out, and an easy way for us to continue our behaviors, which may be the source of the problem we’re hoping to put on someone else. This denial of responsibility also denies us control of a given situation. Once I blame the MTA employee, the barista who makes my coffee at a snail’s pace, my partner, my upbringing, my family, or my therapist, I can no longer change my circumstances because I’m thinking, “Well, I didn’t do anything to cause my problem; This was all her fault.” Blaming others keeps us from seeing ways we can alter our behavior to achieve a desired outcome, it leaves us powerless, and it stunts our personal growth.
This is obviously a state that we don’t want to stay in permanently. By making others the responsible party for our problems, personal progress can be stalled. In fact, when we choose to ignore any sign, big or small, regarding the displacement of blame, we can even find ourselves pushing away those who are coming from a place of support. However, if we address the situation with the attention it deserves, it’s much easier to read our own emotions and see the reason behind the underlying issue.
HOW TO AVOID THE HABIT OF BLAMING
1. Stop reinforcing your unhelpful thinking patterns. After a scenario arises in which you find yourself blaming someone, you’ll likely want to pick up the phone and tell a friend about how stupidly this person behaved, complain to your coworkers about this person, or vent to anyone who wants to listen. However, when we blame others and repeatedly recount the story to others, we reinforce the blame and emotions resulting from it. The next time you blame someone, try to not recount the story at all to anyone, and see how it affects you emotionally, mentally, or physically.
2. Change how you view mistakes. Instead of viewing errors as failures to be blamed on others, try to see them as opportunities for self-improvement. By acknowledging your responsibility, you are more able to learn from your mistakes and gain greater control of your life.
3. See a therapist. As stated earlier, people who blame often have a fragile sense of self-worth. They believe they can’t make a mistake, as doing so would mean they are flawed. Seeing a therapist will help you work towards accepting your human fallibility and capacity for error without degrading yourself or avoiding holding yourself accountable.
So why do people blame others?
The reason why people usually blame others is that it’s a quick escape from guilt. Blame is an incredibly easy and effortless tactic to use when we feel defensive. If you don’t hold yourself accountable for the consequences of your behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, you get to continue living life thinking that you don’t have any flaws or areas needing improvement. Blame is often used by those of us who have a desire or need to be perfect. When discussing blame with clients, I find that clients who blame more usually have the irrational demand “I must/should/ought to be perfect and if I’m not, then I’m unworthy/unloveable/a failure/etc.” Holding ourselves accountable for our actions usually puts us in a vulnerable position, and as a result, it can be difficult to do.
When we blame others, we refuse responsibility for our contributions to the problem. Blaming other people is an easy out, and an easy way for us to continue our behaviors, which may be the source of the problem we’re hoping to put on someone else. This denial of responsibility also denies us control of a given situation. Once I blame the MTA employee, the barista who makes my coffee at a snail’s pace, my partner, my upbringing, my family, or my therapist, I can no longer change my circumstances because I’m thinking, “Well, I didn’t do anything to cause my problem; This was all her fault.” Blaming others keeps us from seeing ways we can alter our behavior to achieve a desired outcome, it leaves us powerless, and it stunts our personal growth.
This is obviously a state that we don’t want to stay in permanently. By making others the responsible party for our problems, personal progress can be stalled. In fact, when we choose to ignore any sign, big or small, regarding the displacement of blame, we can even find ourselves pushing away those who are coming from a place of support. However, if we address the situation with the attention it deserves, it’s much easier to read our own emotions and see the reason behind the underlying issue.
HOW TO AVOID THE HABIT OF BLAMING
1. Stop reinforcing your unhelpful thinking patterns. After a scenario arises in which you find yourself blaming someone, you’ll likely want to pick up the phone and tell a friend about how stupidly this person behaved, complain to your coworkers about this person, or vent to anyone who wants to listen. However, when we blame others and repeatedly recount the story to others, we reinforce the blame and emotions resulting from it. The next time you blame someone, try to not recount the story at all to anyone, and see how it affects you emotionally, mentally, or physically.
2. Change how you view mistakes. Instead of viewing errors as failures to be blamed on others, try to see them as opportunities for self-improvement. By acknowledging your responsibility, you are more able to learn from your mistakes and gain greater control of your life.
3. See a therapist. As stated earlier, people who blame often have a fragile sense of self-worth. They believe they can’t make a mistake, as doing so would mean they are flawed. Seeing a therapist will help you work towards accepting your human fallibility and capacity for error without degrading yourself or avoiding holding yourself accountable.
