Maisha Vs Muda,...Unatosha?!

[Shantel]

pamoja na kuchomwa, i hope hujatoboka

Nimetoboka tayari yaani kuna vitu mtu anaweza comment humu vikakuchoma na kuanza kujiuliza kama wewe unaishi kwenye misingi imara au vipi, yaani wengine tunapenda kuishi kwa mipangilio sana, hapo ndipo unapojiuliza mipango yako umeipanga vizuri au umebahatisha tu

 

[Shantel]

Aksante sana Mbu kusema ukweli nimejifunza mengi sana huku kwenye hii thread.......unajua sometimes ninahisi umeleta mapinduzi flani humu MMU zamani nilikuwia najua MMU ni mahali pa kuja kulia maumivu ya mapenzi (Nalivua Pendo) na kupata ushauri wa mapenzi lakini kupitia wewe nimegundua kuwa mapenzi kama mapenzi hayako isolated na aspects nyingine za maisha na kuwa mapenzi ni sehemu ndogo tu ya mahusiano.
Umenisaidia kuelewa kuwa Mahusiano ni 'Multisectoral' issue ambayo establishment yake, maintanance na improvement yake inategemea namna tunavyoendesha hata aspects nyingine za maisha kama career na time ambayo leo umetuletea.

Leo hii MJ1 nimetambua wapi nilikuwa ninakosea hasa pale ninapomkosea kipenzi changu kwa kukumbatia mlaptop 24/7/365 hadi aniambie..... Mama, eka laptooo (laptop) huku akipoint pembeni!! Kwa kweli nimempunja vya kutosha na si kuwa sikai nyumbani but nimegundua kuwa definition ya 'Quality Time" ni tofauti na just 'time' na wapendwa wako. Kurudi kwangu nyumbani saa kumi na mbili jioni kila siku, kukaa kwangu ndani na mwanangu the whole weekend haimaanishi ninapata 'quality time' nae kwa sababu nakaa na mlaptop kuanzia asubuhi mpaka saba, nane usiku. Mbu kwa hili darasa nakushuluru.

Hivi kuna lolote wawezatuletea watu tukajua kubalance mapenzi yetu kwa wenza na wengine tuwapendao?? Mfano sisters/mum (mambo ya vituko vya mawifi/shemeji na mama wakwe kumpenda kaka/mtoto wao au yeye kuwapenda na kuwasikiliza zaidi ya mke/mume) zaidi ya mwenzi wako? Hatukatai kuwa unastahili kuwasikiliza na kuwapenda but how to balance hiyo mapenzi yako kwao na kwa mwenzio??

Aksante.

Yaani ukisikia tu gari nje ni ku log of laptop pembeni ndio maana mtakuta wengine tunaingia kidogo na kutoka mwenzangu, unajua hakuna kitu mpenzi wako anapenda kama kumpa attention yote akiwa karibu, kumsikiliza anachokusimulia kwa umakini na kumpa maushauri, tujiulize sana maswali kabla hatujaona kama tunakosea au vipi, nashukuru sana kwa post yako inanikumbusha mengi sana

 

[Tulizo]

Nimezipenda comments hizi..kwani hapa tunaweza pata njia..

kweli krolo tukijua majukumu yetu kama familia kwa ujumla wala hakutakuwa na matatizo yanayo tuface siku hizi, wadada wengi wanakuwa vichwa ngumu siku hizi, ukiuliza nini eti kasoma, ana uwezo wa kuishi hata peke yake na watoto wake, kwa hiyo mwanaume asimbabaishe, hii ndio inapelekea yote haya, majukumu ya kifamilia , mwanamke hata siku moja hajitumi kuingia jikoni, kuangalia watoto wake wanakula nini, yeye akisharudi ni chumbani kwake tu,hata hawezi kuwapa muda watoto kuangalia wanalala vipi, nakwambia siku hizi ni vita tu majumbani...lika mtu anajua haki yake, hapo hatufiki hata kidogo...wanawake wenzangu tukumbuke tu mwanaume ni kichwa cha familia na kamwe kichwa hakiwezi kuwa mkia, ukilazimisha ndio haya yanayotupata yanaibuka sasa

Ni kweli mgawo wa majukumu ni muhimu..na lazima kila familia iwe na kichwa lakini mgawo wa majukumu usiende mbali na kumkandamiza mmoja wenu... kwa mfano Kiuasili..& it's human instinct ya kwamba mama ana true love na mtoto lakini kama mama amechelewa kazini ,..basi baba awaogeshe watoto na kufua nepi chache na siyo kuloweka nepi za watoto na pia kuenda kuloweka boxer zake ili mama aje afue akirudi kazini..

Huo ni upande wa wanawake, na huku kiumeni utakuta jibaba lina kifua kama dari ya ikulu lakini limejipweteka linasubiria mama watoto akajitume alete cha mezani, Yaani ni kama tunaishi kwa kukomoana hivi. Na mbaya zaidi tunakomoana kinyumenyume, wa kike anakomolewa kiume na wa kiume anakomolewa kike. Balaa tupu wallahi.

Hapo ndio inabidi tufunguke..tusiogope kusema..nidhamu ya woga iishe.tuongee ila sio kwa jazba...umwambie baba akapike chai mwenyewe..lakini kumbuka ili kujiamini inabidi uwe msafi kama alivyosema shantel hapo juu..

 

[Mbu]

aisee...

In just 48 hours the thread has gone this far.... sijui nianzie wapi

in short i can say muda hautoshi... we either have to chose career or family.. if we choose family then we will balance related areas and if we choose career then the chose the others

the best thing in life is to find a partner who complement what we have and not compete with what we have i.e. if i am a career man then i need a family oriented woman (hata kama anafanya akzi) and if i am a family man i can get along with a career woman

lol,...nimekusoma kwa herufi kubwa. Unajua yataka ustahmilivu wa hali ya juu pia kiimani, kuamua kuishi na
mama watoto ambaye ana kazi za wito mfano wa; Criminal 'Intelligence' officer au yumo kwenye Escort(Protection) ya viongozi wa serikali, Surgeon (Doctor,) Mbunge, Ambassador, Waziri, etc...

Inabidi kuituliza akili kwenye basics, ...kwenye msingi wa mapenzi yenu na malengo ya maisha apart from kuwa pamoja
kila nyakati. Likewise, kina mama wenye waume kama hao. Wengine tusiofit category za kazi za wito, excuses za nini kama sio kujikosesha muda kwa kujitakia?

 

[Kweli]

Kudos my mate Mbu, you really hit the nail right on the head with this post! I couldn't resist my contribution.
Its damn tough balancing this wheel because in most cases (like mine) the two important factors that defines one happiness ie, money and the feeling of being loved and belonging are interdependent.
Most of us use the same formula which is to make serious money = one need work hard and chase every penny on sight with the full support of family while other half supporting the kids with their home-works and other activities.
In the end you might succeed on money side but failed in creating a happy family. Because your other half and Kids missed spending quality time with you and as a result some essential aspects of your Kids growing up were missed (part-absent father/mother)
You can only achieve balancing this wheel if you become your own boss and work from home ( which is what I end up doing) Although now I don't make as much moolah as I used, I am more happy chappy now, missus's happy, kids're happy! it's win win situation all round.
I'm a big admire of Maggid Mjengwa, love him/hate him, the brother seems to be in steady relation for many years and balance his work and family commitments very well.

 

[Mbu]

Mkuu Mbu hapa umeongea mbolea sana ingawa nitafafanua zaidi kwa uoni wangu, unajua kuna siku baada ya kukosa usingizi kutokana na "mbu" kuleta usumbufu chumbani basi nikajaribu kufikiria ni vipi wazee wetu waliweza kudumu na kufurahia ndoa zao, na katika jibu moja nililopata miongoni mwa mengi ni kwamba wazee wetu walifanikiwa sana kwenye kugawana "majukumu ya kifamilia", mwanamke alijua wajibu wake na wakati wake na mwanaume alijua wajibu wake na wakati wake, Kamwe la mwanamme hakubebeshwa mwanamke na la mwanamke hakubebeshwa mwanaume labda kwa dharura. Tatizo la familia zetu za leo, mwanamke anataka kuota sharubu na mwanaume na yeye anataka kuvaa sidiria.
Dah! Nafkiri nimemaliza.

haya sasa, ushaanza visa vyako LOL!..

..kiukweli ulichoongea ni kweli kabisa. Hii Empowering Women, sijui Girls Power nadhani kina dada/mama wengi wameipokea ndivyo sivyo, na Wanaume tumepoteza kwa kiwango kikubwa uwezo wa kuwaelewa na kuwaongoza kina mama.. Ishakuwa kama kawaida baba akitoka, mama nae anatoka!...Baba akiopoa nyumba ndogo, mama anaopoa Serengeti Boi!...yaani ngoma draw mpaka kieleweke! By the time mume anaamua kutuliza mzuka, na kumwangukia mkewe yaishe,...utasikia kebehi za "nyooo,....uliyaanzisha, mimi namaliza...si ulijifanya mjuaji? kwenda huko huko kwa kijanamke chako!"....Neno mke/mume wangu "samahani, nimekosa nisamehe," linapokelewa kama kaa la moto...

We are totally "confused" Generation!
Kama ni chombo majini, basi kishapoteza muelekeo...hajulikani nani nahodha wala hajulikani nani baharia...huyu avutia Tanga kulia chombo kiongeze mwendo, huyu anashusha nanga kwenye majabali!

kweli krolo tukijua majukumu yetu kama familia kwa ujumla wala hakutakuwa na matatizo yanayo tuface siku hizi, wadada wengi wanakuwa vichwa ngumu siku hizi, ukiuliza nini eti kasoma, ana uwezo wa kuishi hata peke yake na watoto wake, kwa hiyo mwanaume asimbabaishe, hii ndio inapelekea yote haya, majukumu ya kifamilia , mwanamke hata siku moja hajitumi kuingia jikoni, kuangalia watoto wake wanakula nini, yeye akisharudi ni chumbani kwake tu,hata hawezi kuwapa muda watoto kuangalia wanalala vipi, nakwambia siku hizi ni vita tu majumbani...kila mtu anajua haki yake, hapo hatufiki hata kidogo...wanawake wenzangu tukumbuke tu mwanaume ni kichwa cha familia na kamwe kichwa hakiwezi kuwa mkia, ukilazimisha ndio haya yanayotupata yanaibuka sasa

ha ha ha, una mabusara sana mtoto wa kike, nimeupenda mchango wako. Hapo kwenye kila mtu anajua haki yake naomba kusema kwa tafsiri niionayo, kila mtu "anajiona/ajidhania" anajua haki yake. Wachache wenye kujitahidi kuzioanisha hizo haki kwenye maisha yao. Breakdown ya ndoa ni kiashiria kwamba ni wachache wanakubaliana na hizo haki zilizozidi hadi tafsiri ya maisha ya ukweli.

Hatutaki kujipa muda, maamuzi yote ni ya hapo kwa papo...hakuna hata kutafakari!
...ama twapotea jamani, tubadilike kabla jua halijazama.

 

[Mbu]

Huo ni upande wa wanawake, na huku kiumeni utakuta jibaba lina kifua kama dari ya ikulu lakini limejipweteka linasubiria mama watoto akajitume alete cha mezani, Yaani ni kama tunaishi kwa kukomoana hivi. Na mbaya zaidi tunakomoana kinyumenyume, wa kike anakomolewa kiume na wa kiume anakomolewa kike. Balaa tupu wallahi.

Kweli kabisa, tena li baunca kabisa mwanamke akirudi home lishadaka pochi eti kuna nini humu loooo na ole wako usimpe hilo pochi imekula kwako.... all in all kila mtu abalance majukumu yake na family matters ili kuwe na uwiano mzuri

LOL!!!! ha ha hhhaa ha....e bana weeeeee?
sasa ndio maisha gani hayo yarabi? ama nyie mmenichekesha sana hapo!

 

[klorokwini]

haya sasa, ushaanza visa vyako LOL!..

..kiukweli ulichoongea ni kweli kabisa. Hii Empowering Women, sijui Girls Power nadhani kina dada/mama wengi wameipokea ndivyo sivyo, na Wanaume tumepoteza kwa kiwango kikubwa uwezo wa kuwaelewa na kuwaongoza kina mama.. Ishakuwa kama kawaida baba akitoka, mama nae anatoka!...Baba akiopoa nyumba ndogo, mama anaopoa Serengeti Boi!...yaani ngoma draw mpaka kieleweke! By the time mume anaamua kutuliza mzuka, na kumwangukia mkewe yaishe,...utasikia kebehi za "nyooo,....uliyaanzisha, mimi namaliza...si ulijifanya mjuaji? kwenda huko huko kwa kijanamke chako!"....Neno mke/mume wangu "samahani, nimekosa nisamehe," linapokelewa kama kaa la moto...

We are totally "confused" Generation!
Kama ni chombo majini, basi kishapoteza muelekeo...hajulikani nani nahodha wala hajulikani nani baharia...huyu avutia Tanga kulia chombo kiongeze mwendo, huyu anashusha nanga kwenye majabali!

Wazee wetu waligawana majukumu kutokana na uhalisia wa kimaumbile (nature), sisi hatujui hata majukumu yetu na hata tunapogawana majukumu basi tunagawana kwa nadharia za kibishi (tuko very against nature), Tukubali au tukatae mwanamke hawezi kuwa sawa na mwanamme, kimaadili, kisayansi, kimaamuzi, kihisia, kiuwajibikaji na hata kimuonekano. Sasa unapolihukumu kosa la mwanamke kwa kumlinganisha na mwanamme and vice versa, prepare for hell of life. All in all kama ulivyoongea hiki chombo kishapoteza mwelekeo na bahati mbaya manahoza wa zama zilizopita walizembea wakaacha life jacket zikatafunwa na panya, sasa kilichobaki acha tufe kishujaa.

 

[Tulizo]

.kiukweli ulichoongea ni kweli kabisa. Hii Empowering Women, sijui Girls Power nadhani kina dada/mama wengi wameipokea ndivyo sivyo, na Wanaume tumepoteza kwa kiwango kikubwa uwezo wa kuwaelewa na kuwaongoza kina mama.. Ishakuwa kama kawaida baba akitoka, mama nae anatoka!...Baba akiopoa nyumba ndogo, mama anaopoa Serengeti Boi!...yaani ngoma draw mpaka kieleweke! By the time mume anaamua kutuliza mzuka, na kumwangukia mkewe yaishe,...utasikia kebehi za "nyooo,....uliyaanzisha, mimi namaliza...si ulijifanya mjuaji? kwenda huko huko kwa kijanamke chako!"....Neno mke/mume wangu "samahani, nimekosa nisamehe," linapokelewa kama kaa la moto...

We are totally "confused" Generation!

Kama ni chombo majini, basi kishapoteza muelekeo...hajulikani nani nahodha wala hajulikani nani baharia...huyu avutia Tanga kulia chombo kiongeze mwendo, huyu anashusha nanga kwenye majabali! .

Mkuu nimeipenda sana hii... ni majibu ya mtihani ..mwenye nia na ayaweke moyoni na baadaye kuyafanyia kazi..Salute!

 

[Tulizo]

Wazee wetu waligawana majukumu kutokana na uhalisia wa kimaumbile (nature), sisi hatujui hata majukumu yetu na hata tunapogawana majukumu basi tunagawana kwa nadharia za kibishi (tuko very against nature), Tukubali au tukatae mwanamke hawezi kuwa sawa na mwanamme, kimaadili, kisayansi, kimaamuzi, kihisia, kiuwajibikaji na hata kimuonekano. Sasa unapolihukumu kosa la mwanamke kwa kumlinganisha na mwanamme and vice versa, prepare for hell of life. All in all kama ulivyoongea hiki chombo kishapoteza mwelekeo na bahati mbaya manahoza wa zama zilizopita walizembea wakaacha life jacket zikatafunwa na panya, sasa kilichobaki acha tufe kishujaa.

Hapa kuna vitu nakubali lakini pia kuna vitu nitapinga kidogo sio sana. Mafanikio ya wazee wetu yalitokana na maisha ya wakati huo. Kulikuwa na nidhamu ya hali ya juu na Mzee aliheshimiwa kwa busara zake sio kwa busara za wazee wa sasa ambao wanabaka watoto wadogon na kufanya mambo ya aibu . Wakati huo Kulikuwa hakuna Umati wala jumuiya ya kupigania haki za kinamama. Lakini ukiangalia zaidi.. ulikuwa ni magawanyo wa kazi kutegemea maisha ya wakati huo ambao mwendo ni miguu yako.. maji maili ishirini..etc.. Dunia imebadilika ..teknolojia imeingia..unafuu wa kazi umekuwa mfupi..badala ya kufua siku nzima ..unaweka kwenye mashine..hivyo basi hata mgawanyo wa kazi unatakiwa uangaliwe upya.. Lakini kama nilivyosema awali ni mzee gani ataweka sawa? Mababu zetu wameshakufa na tumebaki sisi ambao kila kukicha tunaandikwa kwenye magazeti ya uwazi na hatuwaheshimu hata watotot wetu tuliozaa?? Hawa watoto wanakuwa na kujifunza mambo ya sasa na kuota mapembe..Na hao watoto wa kiume tunaowategemea badala ya kuoa wanaolewa wao.. Yaani taabu kweli kweli..Sometime..unamkumbuka Remmy Ongala.."mbele kwa mbele'.. yaani maana yake tumeshashindwa na unamsubiri mola achukue dunia yake.. Lakini on the other hand.. unao uwezo wa kubadlili..huwezi badili jumuiya mzima..lakini unaweza kujibadili wewe mwenyewe..na kuacha wafu wazike wafu wao..

 

[BAK]

Big up!

Another useful contribution from Tulizo! Nimeipenda hiyo.
Naaam, yote uliyosema ndio yanayotokea. Kuna thread nilianzisha
(Couples) kujipendelea muhimu. Wengi walizinduka,...

Hivi tunavyoishi, kidogo kidogo tunaelekea kwenye dysfunctional families.
Baba anakwenda kazini na gari lake, mama anakwenda kazini kwa gari lake.
watoto wanakwenda shuleni kwa school bus. Hapo wote wanategemea kunywa chai on the road/ofisini au
(watoto) shule.

Watoto wanarudi majumbani kumi na moja jioni, house girl ndio anawakaribisha. Wakati huo mama mtu
baada ya kazi anapitia saloon/kikao cha harusi/etc etc almuradi asirudi nyumbani on time. Mume naye hivyo hivyo.
atajichelewesha majiani humo eti anakwepa foleni.

By the time wazazi wote wanakuwa nyumbani, tayari watoto weshalala. Homeworks hazikufanyika.
walishinda wanacheza X-Box games, kuangalia Big Brother etc...Kesho yake mzunguko unaanza tena.
Mbaya zaidi, weekend...mke anakwenda tena saloon kwa kisingizio cha pedicure, sijui manicure, na kusukia weaving...
total time ya yote hayo ni masaa si chini ya sita! Mume nae huyoooo saloon za kiume...shaving, massage bla blah, akitoka hapo Rose Garden, Calabash, Break point etc...

Tunakimbia kabisa majukumu ya kifamilia. Watoto na ndoa zimegeuka mzigo,...kuwajazia ma X-box, na video games nyumbani unaamini ushawapa cha kuwa keep busy. Kumbe mnazalisha taifa la 'coach potatoes'...hakuna physical activities kuanzia baba anayefanya ibada zake pub, mama anayefanya ibada zake kwenye saloon za urembo, na watoto wanaobudu screens... baada ya siku chache baba ana kitambi, mama ana kitambi, watoto wana vitambi...wenyewe mnajiona mmenona kumbe mnalea maginjwa!

Outing kuuubwa ya baba na mama ni harusini, tena kwa mbwembwe mume anabebeshwa handbag ya mkewe kujionyesha ati ni perfect couples.... mnaishi kisanii tu kama mnacheza Egoli!
Uswazi nako ndio aaaaahhhh....

All ina all, nadhani kwa kiwango kikubwa MUME NI KICHWA CHA NYUMBA, usemi huu unatushtaki wanaume kwa kuchangia pakubwa haya ma dysyfunctional families. Sisi wanaume tukishajua thamani ya muda, kidogo kidogo twaweza oanisha principles zetu na za wake zetu majumbani, ili na watoto nao wajifunze maisha ya mpangilio. Tusilaumu mporomoko wa maadili ilhali wenyewe ndio tumeshikilia makali!

Hatuna muda, tuanze sasa kuupangilia.

Duh! Mbu hapa umemaliza kila kitu! Na uliyosema ni kweli tupu na nimeyashuhudia mwenyewe kwa macho yako. Unavikuta vitoto vimenenepa kiaina aina lakini si kwamba wana afya njema bali hawana ile michezo ambayo sie tulipokuwa watoto tulikuwa tukiicheza kama kucheza mpira, kuandaa mashindano ya kukimbia masafa mafupi na ukishinda unajiona mkali (lakini mara nyingi hapa mnakuwa hamna mpira wa kuchezea) ali mradi tulikuwa na activities chungu nzima (hata mashuleni kulikuwa na PE ambacho mnacheza michezo mbali mbali) ambazo zilitufanya tusinenepe kiana aina. Leo hii unaweza kukuta mtoto wa miaka 12 ana ugonjwa wa moyo, na huu sio wa kuzaliwa nao bali kutokana na life style ya pale nyumbani ambapo sasa zote wako kwenye computer games, wifi, X-box "wakifanya vitu vyao"

Mababa wanasepa shughuli za kuwa pamoja na familia ukiondoa siku za birthday, sikukuu labda na misiba vinginevyo hakuna shughuli yoyote inayowakutanisha wana familia pamoja hata kwenye milo ya kila siku kuanzia kifungua kinywa. Baba na Mama waatumia muda wao mwingi kama ulivyoandika kuwa na "mastrangers" kule "Gorilla kapakatwa" na vijiwe vingine maarufu vya mijini na mama anajiremba au yuko kwenye kitchem parties katika kila kona ya mji. Wakirudi nyumbani kila mtu kachoka hakuna muda wa familia.

Uliyoyaandika Mkuu pamoja na kuwa yanasikitisha sana lakini ndio ukweli wenyewe. Na miaka inavyosonga mbele hali ndio inazidi kuwa mbaya.

 

[Da Dinnah]

Hapa kuna vitu nakubali lakini pia kuna vitu nitapinga kidogo sio sana. Mafanikio ya wazee wetu yalitokana na maisha ya wakati huo. Kulikuwa na nidhamu ya hali ya juu na Mzee aliheshimiwa kwa busara zake sio kwa busara za wazee wa sasa ambao wanabaka watoto wadogon na kufanya mambo ya aibu . Wakati huo Kulikuwa hakuna Umati wala jumuiya ya kupigania haki za kinamama. Lakini ukiangalia zaidi.. ulikuwa ni magawanyo wa kazi kutegemea maisha ya wakati huo ambao mwendo ni miguu yako.. maji maili ishirini..etc.. Dunia imebadilika ..teknolojia imeingia..unafuu wa kazi umekuwa mfupi..badala ya kufua siku nzima ..unaweka kwenye mashine..hivyo basi hata mgawanyo wa kazi unatakiwa uangaliwe upya.. Lakini kama nilivyosema awali ni mzee gani ataweka sawa? Mababu zetu wameshakufa na tumebaki sisi ambao kila kukicha tunaandikwa kwenye magazeti ya uwazi na hatuwaheshimu hata watotot wetu tuliozaa?? Hawa watoto wanakuwa na kujifunza mambo ya sasa na kuota mapembe..Na hao watoto wa kiume tunaowategemea badala ya kuoa wanaolewa wao.. Yaani taabu kweli kweli..Sometime..unamkumbuka Remmy Ongala.."mbele kwa mbele'.. yaani maana yake tumeshashindwa na unamsubiri mola achukue dunia yake.. Lakini on the other hand.. unao uwezo wa kubadlili..huwezi badili jumuiya mzima..lakini unaweza kujibadili wewe mwenyewe..na kuacha wafu wazike wafu wao..

Nimeipenda hii tulizo kwa kweli tuache wafu wazike wafu wao, wakati umebadilika sana, mashindano ndani ya familia zetu, kila mtu anataka kuwa juu, hata hakuna muda wa kukaa chini na kupanga mikakati na muda wa kupumzika na watoto.sijui tunakwenda wapi, na sijui tutafika kwa mwendo huu

 

[Shantel]

Kudos my mate Mbu, you really hit the nail right on the head with this post! I couldn't resist my contribution.
Its damn tough balancing this wheel because in most cases (like mine) the two important factors that defines one happiness ie, money and the feeling of being loved and belonging are interdependent.
Most of us use the same formula which is to make serious money = one need work hard and chase every penny on sight with the full support of family while other half supporting the kids with their home-works and other activities.
In the end you might succeed on money side but failed in creating a happy family. Because your other half and Kids missed spending quality time with you and as a result some essential aspects of your Kids growing up were missed (part-absent father/mother)
You can only achieve balancing this wheel if you become your own boss and work from home ( which is what I end up doing) Although now I don't make as much moolah as I used, I am more happy chappy now, missus's happy, kids're happy! it's win win situation all round.
I'm a big admire of Maggid Mjengwa, love him/hate him, the brother seems to be in steady relation for many years and balance his work and family commitments very well.

Hapa ndio utaona pesa sio kila kitu katika maisha, haiwezi kukupa furaha kamili unayoitaka, unaishia kuwa na mawazo tu na mifweza yako mfukoni, glad umegundua hilo mapema, congrats my bro

 

[EMT]

Mie naona kama hiyo Wheel of life is too theoretical. Kwanza kabisa inajaribu ku define maisha ya watu kama ni ya aina moja. Sisi wote ni wanadamu, lakini maisha tunayoishi yanatofautiana kati ya mtu na mtu. Kuna wengine hawana dini, which means spirituality kwao is non existent. Parts nyingine kwenye hiyo wheel of life zinategemea part nyingine. Kwa mfano kama huna career sijui kama utaweza ku maintain part ya financial au kwenda kufanya medical check ups kama inavyostahili. Pia unaweza kuwa na career nzuri na well off financially lakini ukashindwa ku maintain sehemu ya relationship na romance. Wengine ni workaholic. That's what define their lives.

Hata hivyo the wheel of life inaweza kusaidia ku-improve your life balance. Inaweza kusaidia kujua sehemu za maisha yako ambazo una devote more energy and where you might want to cut back. Challenge kubwa ni how to transform this knowledge and desire for a more balanced life into a positive program of action. Kwa maisha tunayoishi, the wheel of life may end up to be an Utopian.

 

[Mbu]

....hivi kuna lolote wawezatuletea watu tukajua kubalance mapenzi yetu kwa wenza na wengine tuwapendao?? Mfano sisters/mum (mambo ya vituko vya mawifi/shemeji na mama wakwe kumpenda kaka/mtoto wao au yeye kuwapenda na kuwasikiliza zaidi ya mke/mume) zaidi ya mwenzi wako? Hatukatai kuwa unastahili kuwasikiliza na kuwapenda but how to balance hiyo mapenzi yako kwao na kwa mwenzio??

Aksante.

...pheewww, Mwj1...kupenda ni kupenda tu, hakuna formula 'uwapendeje.' Mapenzi yanaanzia rohoni, emotional,- empathy, sympathetic, considerate etc- ....sasa linapokuja suala la kubalance ndugu wa mume/mke na mwenza wako, ....kwanza epuka kabisa kujaribu kuyaongeza au kuyapunguza.

Hii ni sawa na mwenza wako atapokukataza eti usiwasaidie ndugu zako! Hii kitu haiwezekani wala haiingii akilini, kwani kuwasaidia ndugu kunatokana na mapenzi jinsi mlivyokuzwa, ila pawepo pia na mipaka. Pasizidi uwezo jamani!

Pili, ni wajibu wako mke/mume kumkumbusha mume/mkeo kwamba, pamoja na kuwasikiliza na kuwahudumia nduguze, pia akumbuke matakwa na matarajio yako na yake kwenye mahusiano yenu ya ndoa. Kama Tulizo alivyotanabahisha awali, iwapo mtawapatia wanandugu remote control ya kuendesha maisha yenu, kila siku mtajikuta <<Rewind << button inatumika zaidi kuliko > play button!

Matokeo yake mume/mke mwenye hizo 'akili za kushikiwa' anajikuta hana msimamo na kuyumbisha nyumba yake kila kukicha kwakuwa tu mama/dada/kaka alisema...

Ndoa ziheshimiwe, Genesis 2:24 Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh, haina maana "udugu wa shuka pekee!",... ni pamoja na mipango, maamuzi, na kuyapokea matokeo kwa pamoja!

Wazee wetu waligawana majukumu kutokana na uhalisia wa kimaumbile (nature), sisi hatujui hata majukumu yetu na hata tunapogawana majukumu basi tunagawana kwa nadharia za kibishi (tuko very against nature), Tukubali au tukatae mwanamke hawezi kuwa sawa na mwanamme, kimaadili, kisayansi, kimaamuzi, kihisia, kiuwajibikaji na hata kimuonekano. Sasa unapolihukumu kosa la mwanamke kwa kumlinganisha na mwanamme and vice versa, prepare for hell of life. All in all kama ulivyoongea hiki chombo kishapoteza mwelekeo na bahati mbaya manahoza wa zama zilizopita walizembea wakaacha life jacket zikatafunwa na panya, sasa kilichobaki acha tufe kishujaa.

LOL,...MV Mapenzi, nahodha kajitosa baharini!

Hapa kuna vitu nakubali lakini pia kuna vitu nitapinga kidogo sio sana. Mafanikio ya wazee wetu yalitokana na maisha ya wakati huo. Kulikuwa na nidhamu ya hali ya juu na Mzee aliheshimiwa kwa busara zake sio kwa busara za wazee wa sasa ambao wanabaka watoto wadogon na kufanya mambo ya aibu . Wakati huo Kulikuwa hakuna Umati wala jumuiya ya kupigania haki za kinamama. Lakini ukiangalia zaidi.. ulikuwa ni magawanyo wa kazi kutegemea maisha ya wakati huo ambao mwendo ni miguu yako.. maji maili ishirini..etc.. Dunia imebadilika ..teknolojia imeingia..unafuu wa kazi umekuwa mfupi..badala ya kufua siku nzima ..unaweka kwenye mashine..hivyo basi hata mgawanyo wa kazi unatakiwa uangaliwe upya.. Lakini kama nilivyosema awali ni mzee gani ataweka sawa? Mababu zetu wameshakufa na tumebaki sisi ambao kila kukicha tunaandikwa kwenye magazeti ya uwazi na hatuwaheshimu hata watotot wetu tuliozaa?? Hawa watoto wanakuwa na kujifunza mambo ya sasa na kuota mapembe..Na hao watoto wa kiume tunaowategemea badala ya kuoa wanaolewa wao.. Yaani taabu kweli kweli..Sometime..unamkumbuka Remmy Ongala.."mbele kwa mbele'.. yaani maana yake tumeshashindwa na unamsubiri mola achukue dunia yake.. Lakini on the other hand.. unao uwezo wa kubadlili..huwezi badili jumuiya mzima..lakini unaweza kujibadili wewe mwenyewe..na kuacha wafu wazike wafu wao..

Maneno juu ya msitari, heshima kwako ndugu yangu. Nikiongezea maneno hapo nitakuwa nachakachua, ila umegusia kitu cha maana sana kwamba teknolojia imeingia, lakini je? Tunaitumia ipasavyo hiyo teknolojia, au teknolojia inatutumia ipasavyo?

Enzi zile maisha yalikuwa kina mama na typewriter maofisini,...Report zote boss alikuwa anaandaa kwa kuandika draft mwenyewe.
Leo hii kuna Laptops, laptops zimekuwa lap top hasaaaaaa...kila wakati zipo mapajani!...

Kazini, majumbani, basi hata kwenye social gatherings?

...kwa u busy gani hasa?...upo outing na mamsap, nae yumo busy kwa sms/email, hah? yaani hakuna kabisa muda wa 'ubinaadamu?'

...kuna haja ya kuangalia teknolojia nasi twaipokeaje kiasi kwamba familia zinapoteza muelekeo na kukosa muda wa ki-ubinadamu!

NB; Kumradhi na hizo picha jamani, najaribu tu kutanabahisha tunavyozidi 'kushikiwa akili' na hili 'Teke-lino-lokujia!'
compared na wakati/muda tuliopaswa kuutumia na 'binaadamu' wenzetu.

 

[Shantel]

...pheewww, Mwj1...kupenda ni kupenda tu, hakuna formula 'uwapendeje.' Mapenzi yanaanzia rohoni, emotional,- empathy, sympathetic, considerate etc- ....sasa linapokuja suala la kubalance ndugu wa mume/mke na mwenza wako, kwanza epuka kabisa kujaribu kuyaongeza au kuyapunguza.

Hii ni sawa na mwenza wako atapokukataza eti usiwasaidie ndugu zako! Hii kitu haiwezekani wala haiingii akilini, kwani kuwasaidia ndugu kunatokana na mapenzi jinsi mlivyokuzwa, ila pawepo pia na mipaka. Pasizidi uwezo jamani!

Pili, ni wajibu wako mke/mume kumkumbusha mume/mkeo kwamba, pamoja na kuwasikiliza na kuwahudumia nduguze, pia akumbuke matakwa na matarajio yako na yake kwenye mahusiano yenu ya ndoa. Kama Tulizo alivyotanabahisha awali, iwapo mtawapatia wanandugu remotye control ya kuendesha maisha yenu, kila siku mtajikuta <<Rewind << button inatumika zaidi kuliko > play button!

Matokeo yake mume/mke mwenye hizo 'akili za kushikiwa' anajikuta hana msimamo na kuyumbisha nyumba yake kila kukicha kwakuwa tu mama/dada/kaka alisema...

Ndoa ziheshimiwe, Genesis 2:24 Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh, haina maana "udugu wa shuka pekee!",... ni pamoja na mipango, maamuzi, na kuyapokea matokeo kwa pamoja!



LOL,...MV Mapenzi, nahodha kajitosa baharini!



Maneno juu ya msitari, heshima kwako ndugu yangu. Nikiongezea maneno hapo nitakuwa nachakachua, ila umegusia kitu cha maana sana kwamba teknolojia imeingia, lakini je? Tunaitumia ipasavyo hiyo teknolojia, au teknolojia inatutumia ipasavyo?

Enzi zile maisha yalikuwa kina mama na typewriter maofisini,...Report zote boss alikuwa anaandaa kwa kuandika draft mwenyewe.
Leo hii kuna Laptops, laptops zimekuwa lap top hasaaaaaa...kila wakati zipo mapajani!...

Kazini, majumbani, basi hata kwenye social gatherings?

...kwa u busy gani hasa?...upo outing na mamsap, nae yumo busy kwa sms/email, hah? yaani hakuna kabisa muda wa 'ubinaadamu?'

...kuna haja ya kuangalia teknolojia nasi twaipokeaje kiasi kwamba familia zinapoteza muelekeo na kukosa muda wa ki-ubinadamu!

NB; Kumradhi na hizo picha jamani, najaribu tu kutanabahisha tunavyozidi 'kushikiwa akili' na hili 'Teke-lino-lokujia!'
compared na wakati/muda tuliopaswa kuutumia na 'binaadamu' wenzetu.

Wewe ni mkareeee

 

[klorokwini]

...pheewww, Mwj1...kupenda ni kupenda tu, hakuna formula 'uwapendeje.' Mapenzi yanaanzia rohoni, emotional,- empathy, sympathetic, considerate etc- ....sasa linapokuja suala la kubalance ndugu wa mume/mke na mwenza wako, kwanza epuka kabisa kujaribu kuyaongeza au kuyapunguza.

Hii ni sawa na mwenza wako atapokukataza eti usiwasaidie ndugu zako! Hii kitu haiwezekani wala haiingii akilini, kwani kuwasaidia ndugu kunatokana na mapenzi jinsi mlivyokuzwa, ila pawepo pia na mipaka. Pasizidi uwezo jamani!

Pili, ni wajibu wako mke/mume kumkumbusha mume/mkeo kwamba, pamoja na kuwasikiliza na kuwahudumia nduguze, pia akumbuke matakwa na matarajio yako na yake kwenye mahusiano yenu ya ndoa. Kama Tulizo alivyotanabahisha awali, iwapo mtawapatia wanandugu remotye control ya kuendesha maisha yenu, kila siku mtajikuta <<Rewind << button inatumika zaidi kuliko > play button!

Matokeo yake mume/mke mwenye hizo 'akili za kushikiwa' anajikuta hana msimamo na kuyumbisha nyumba yake kila kukicha kwakuwa tu mama/dada/kaka alisema...

Ndoa ziheshimiwe, Genesis 2:24 Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh, haina maana "udugu wa shuka pekee!",... ni pamoja na mipango, maamuzi, na kuyapokea matokeo kwa pamoja!



LOL,...MV Mapenzi, nahodha kajitosa baharini!



Maneno juu ya msitari, heshima kwako ndugu yangu. Nikiongezea maneno hapo nitakuwa nachakachua, ila umegusia kitu cha maana sana kwamba teknolojia imeingia, lakini je? Tunaitumia ipasavyo hiyo teknolojia, au teknolojia inatutumia ipasavyo?

Enzi zile maisha yalikuwa kina mama na typewriter maofisini,...Report zote boss alikuwa anaandaa kwa kuandika draft mwenyewe.
Leo hii kuna Laptops, laptops zimekuwa lap top hasaaaaaa...kila wakati zipo mapajani!...

Kazini, majumbani, basi hata kwenye social gatherings?

...kwa u busy gani hasa?...upo outing na mamsap, nae yumo busy kwa sms/email, hah? yaani hakuna kabisa muda wa 'ubinaadamu?'

...kuna haja ya kuangalia teknolojia nasi twaipokeaje kiasi kwamba familia zinapoteza muelekeo na kukosa muda wa ki-ubinadamu!

NB; Kumradhi na hizo picha jamani, najaribu tu kutanabahisha tunavyozidi 'kushikiwa akili' na hili 'Teke-lino-lokujia!'
compared na wakati/muda tuliopaswa kuutumia na 'binaadamu' wenzetu.

Mie naona kama hiyo Wheel of life is too theoretical. Kwanza kabisa inajaribu ku define maisha ya watu kama ni ya aina moja. Sisi wote ni wanadamu, lakini maisha tunayoishi yanatofautiana kati ya mtu na mtu. Kuna wengine hawana dini, which means spirituality kwao is non existent. Parts nyingine kwenye hiyo wheel of life zinategemea part nyingine. Kwa mfano kama huna career sijui kama utaweza ku maintain part ya financial au kwenda kufanya medical check ups kama inavyostahili. Pia unaweza kuwa na career nzuri na well off financially lakini ukashindwa ku maintain sehemu ya relationship na romance. Wengine ni workaholic. That's what define their lives.

Hata hivyo the wheel of life inaweza kusaidia ku-improve your life balance. Inaweza kusaidia kujua sehemu za maisha yako ambazo una devote more energy and where you might want to cut back. Challenge kubwa ni how to transform this knowledge and desire for a more balanced life into a positive program of action. Kwa maisha tunayoishi, the wheel of life may end up to be an Utopian.

Aisee! hizi posts mbili zimebeba ujumbe mzito sana na the good thing is ziko very balanced. Khaa! kweli JF sio segere, yaani ukiingia kichwakichwa unabamizwa.

aisee! (source: MTM)

 

[EMT]

Maneno juu ya msitari, heshima kwako ndugu yangu. Nikiongezea maneno hapo nitakuwa nachakachua, ila umegusia kitu cha maana sana kwamba teknolojia imeingia, lakini je? Tunaitumia ipasavyo hiyo teknolojia, au teknolojia inatutumia ipasavyo?

Enzi zile maisha yalikuwa kina mama na typewriter maofisini,...Report zote boss alikuwa anaandaa kwa kuandika draft mwenyewe.
Leo hii kuna Laptops, laptops zimekuwa lap top hasaaaaaa...kila wakati zipo mapajani!...
Kazini, majumbani, basi hata kwenye social gatherings?
...kwa u busy gani hasa?...upo outing na mamsap, nae yumo busy kwa sms/email, hah? yaani hakuna kabisa muda wa 'ubinaadamu?'
...kuna haja ya kuangalia teknolojia nasi twaipokeaje kiasi kwamba familia zinapoteza muelekeo na kukosa muda wa ki-ubinadamu!

NB; Kumradhi na hizo picha jamani, najaribu tu kutanabahisha tunavyozidi 'kushikiwa akili' na hili 'Teke-lino-lokujia!'
compared na wakati/muda tuliopaswa kuutumia na 'binaadamu' wenzetu.

Mkuu upo sahihi. Internet ni amazing too. Imetuunganisha wanadamu kuweza kuwa karibu na kuwasiliana kwa haraka zaidi. Lakini at the same time, it is pulling us apart. Wakati wa mababu zetu cardiovascular activities ndio zilizokuwa zinawaunganisha na kuwaweka karibu zaidi. Kwa dunia ya sasa, kazi hizo zote zimetawaliwa na teknologia. na hizi gadgets ndio kabisaaa. Kama ulivyosema kuna umuhimu wa ku think twice jinsi tunavyotumia technology. Hizi iPhones, Crackberries na gadgets nyingine zina affect sana mahusiano. Jaribu kupitia hii articke hapo chini ya gazeti la The Times (UK) hasa kwa wake wanaolala na Crackberries zao chini ya mito. Kapo kwenye red, kwa kawaida huwa sipokei simu kama niko na mtu mwingine lakini wapigaji huwa wanalalamika kuwa ninawaignore. How do you compromise this?

The rules for balancing technology and relationships

A few weeks ago, my friend Isabel met her husband for a romantic lunch in a favourite London restaurant. They were there to celebrate their fourth wedding anniversary and her husband, a publishing director, had even booked the afternoon off work so they could share the day together, just the two of them. Except it wasn't just the two of them at all.

"As soon as I saw his iPhone on the table, I felt resentful," she says. "He's on Twitter, for work he says." They'd barely got beyond their aperitif when a row started. "I refuse to have a three-way conversation. If you talk to me, I expect eye contact. Meanwhile, you are typing some meaningless observation into the ether."

Isabel is increasingly resentful of her partner's reliance on mobile technology, promising, as it does, a gateway to a new virtual world of communication, and socialising, music downloads, video clips, football scores, and the rest of the ephemera of the cyber dimension. We've long known about the compulsive allure of the "CrackBerry", as well as its younger upstart the iPhone, but with the advent of Facebook, and particularly Twitter, a new level of distractedness is developing.

According to research carried out last year by Professor Nada Kakabadse at Northampton University, a growing number of people are becoming overdependent on their BlackBerries, mobile phones and other digital devices.

"From my research, you'd be surprised how many people had their BlackBerry next to their beds," Kakabadse says. "They would pick up messages two or three times a night." One in particular, she recalls, went so far as to hide her BlackBberry in a pot plant in the bathroom because her husband objected so strongly to her nocturnal fix. "It certainly created friction in some of the relationships of the people I spoke to. In some cases it led to divorce when one partner felt the other wasn't paying enough attention to normal human interaction."

Relationship counsellors have also noticed this phenomenon. "I see more and more of it," says Denise Knowles, a Relate therapist. "People feel they're not being shown enough consideration, that they're being excluded if their partner is spending a lot of time using phones for socialising, playing games or working. It's the fact that these devices are so mobile that makes the problem more widespread."

It is the ubiquity of these super-phones that make them so pernicious. D-Day for many people's relationships came last summer when the iPhone relaunched, sleeker and faster than ever before. Subsequent jostling for market share between iPhone and BlackBerry also means that they are no longer the preserve of the business world. Katie, a full-time mother, 36, admits that her husband frequently growls at her to remove her BlackBerry from the bedroom. "He just can't bear that blasted green blinking light flashing across the bedroom like a laser. I usually end up hiding it under a pillow," she says.

Such technology, it seems, is designed to hook the user in, leaving a partner feeling even more irritated and excluded. I'm painfully aware of this as a BlackBerry user myself and, shamefully, have to admit to ignoring small children's pleas and my husband's protestations, to reflexively reach for the device whenever that green turns to red - meaning mail's in.

"There is something quite compelling about contemporary gadgetry," says Martin Lloyd-Elliot, a relationships psychologist. "These new designs seem to activate part of the brain that wants to be absolutely absorbed and, like computer games, they can create a strange altered state in the user, in which he or she is with you but not available to you." Lloyd-Elliot's patients frequently report a strange dislocated feeling when a partner is immersed in another virtual hemisphere.

"Sometimes it's an almost tragic scene. The couple are on holiday with their children and dad's eyes are are glued to a bit of electronic gadgetry. He's present but he's absent at the same time. The very technology that is meant to bring people together is increasingly separating us from those we need to attend to most."

Philip, 34, a software designer, used to be in thrall to his latest iPhone until he struck a compromise with his long-suffering girlfriend: "I've agreed that it's fine to use at work but as soon as I'm in the home, putting the kids to bed and being with my family, I switch it off. At weekends, I've agreed reluctantly that I can &#8216;check in' for an hour a day but not in the evenings or when we're out. My partner was getting so annoyed, I knew I had to curb my habit. I still miss it, though."

Ring-fencing, as Lloyd-Elliot refers to it - when a "gadgetolic" limits his or her usage to certain times and places in negotiation with his or her partner - is a method that he encourages with his patients.

However, the only way a new etiquette can really work is through increased self-awareness on the part of the user. For starters, users have to realise how their behaviour can affect others. As Lloyd-Elliot says: "There is something arrogant about the mindset that goes with this trend - the sense of always thinking that what you've got to say is so important it can't wait. There's also an absence of thoughtful empathy; how you are making those around you feel."

Dr Emma Short, a senior lecturer in psychology, agrees. "It's about being mindful about the choices you make. Whenever you take a call or reply to a message in front of someone, you are prioritising what is an absent presence." In terms of your relationship and how your partner feels, she says, think about who you are promoting above whom when you hear that beep or see that flashing light.

Finally, don't allow any mobile device beyond your bedroom door, and never in the marital bed. If in doubt, cast your mind back to last year, when Madonna confessed that she and Guy Ritchie "lie with our BlackBerrys under our pillows. It's not unromantic. It's practical." Six months later they'd separated. Take heed - turn off that green flashing light now.

The rules for balancing technology and relationships - Times Online

 

[Mbu]

Mie naona kama hiyo Wheel of life is too theoretical. Kwanza kabisa inajaribu ku define maisha ya watu kama ni ya aina moja. Sisi wote ni wanadamu, lakini maisha tunayoishi yanatofautiana kati ya mtu na mtu. Kuna wengine hawana dini, which means spirituality kwao is non existent. Parts nyingine kwenye hiyo wheel of life zinategemea part nyingine. Kwa mfano kama huna career sijui kama utaweza ku maintain part ya financial au kwenda kufanya medical check ups kama inavyostahili. Pia unaweza kuwa na career nzuri na well off financially lakini ukashindwa ku maintain sehemu ya relationship na romance. Wengine ni workaholic. That's what define their lives.

Hata hivyo the wheel of life inaweza kusaidia ku-improve your life balance. Inaweza kusaidia kujua sehemu za maisha yako ambazo una devote more energy and where you might want to cut back. Challenge kubwa ni how to transform this knowledge and desire for a more balanced life into a positive program of action. Kwa maisha tunayoishi, the wheel of life may end up to be an Utopian.

hahhh? Muda bado tunao ndugu yangu, ni kujipanga tu...

​

 

[Mbu]

Mkuu upo sahihi. Internet ni amazing too. Imetuunganisha wanadamu kuweza kuwa karibu na kuwasiliana kwa haraka zaidi. Lakini at the same time, it is pulling us apart. Wakati wa mababu zetu cardiovascular activities ndio zilizokuwa zinawaunganisha na kuwaweka karibu zaidi. Kwa dunia ya sasa, kazi hizo zote zimetawaliwa na teknologia. na hizi gadgets ndio kabisaaa. Kama ulivyosema kuna umuhimu wa ku think twice jinsi tunavyotumia technology. Hizi iPhones, Crackberries na gadgets nyingine zina affect sana mahusiano. Jaribu kupitia hii articke hapo chini ya gazeti la The Times (UK) hasa kwa wake wanaolala na Crackberries zao chini ya mito. Kapo kwenye red, kwa kawaida huwa sipokei simu kama niko na mtu mwingine lakini wapigaji huwa wanalalamika kuwa ninawaignore. How do you compromise this?

LOL, thanks so very much for this piece of information, ha ha ha....

The rules for balancing technology and relationships

A few weeks ago, my friend Isabel met her husband for a romantic lunch in a favourite London restaurant. They were there to celebrate their fourth wedding anniversary and her husband, a publishing director, had even booked the afternoon off work so they could share the day together, just the two of them. Except it wasn't just the two of them at all.

"As soon as I saw his iPhone on the table, I felt resentful," she says. "He's on Twitter, for work he says." They'd barely got beyond their aperitif when a row started. "I refuse to have a three-way conversation. If you talk to me, I expect eye contact. Meanwhile, you are typing some meaningless observation into the ether."

Isabel is increasingly resentful of her partner's reliance on mobile technology, promising, as it does, a gateway to a new virtual world of communication, and socialising, music downloads, video clips, football scores, and the rest of the ephemera of the cyber dimension. We've long known about the compulsive allure of the "CrackBerry", as well as its younger upstart the iPhone, but with the advent of Facebook, and particularly Twitter, a new level of distractedness is developing.

According to research carried out last year by Professor Nada Kakabadse at Northampton University, a growing number of people are becoming overdependent on their BlackBerries, mobile phones and other digital devices.

"From my research, you'd be surprised how many people had their BlackBerry next to their beds," Kakabadse says. "They would pick up messages two or three times a night." One in particular, she recalls, went so far as to hide her BlackBberry in a pot plant in the bathroom because her husband objected so strongly to her nocturnal fix. "It certainly created friction in some of the relationships of the people I spoke to. In some cases it led to divorce when one partner felt the other wasn't paying enough attention to normal human interaction."

Relationship counsellors have also noticed this phenomenon. "I see more and more of it," says Denise Knowles, a Relate therapist. "People feel they're not being shown enough consideration, that they're being excluded if their partner is spending a lot of time using phones for socialising, playing games or working. It's the fact that these devices are so mobile that makes the problem more widespread."

It is the ubiquity of these super-phones that make them so pernicious. D-Day for many people's relationships came last summer when the iPhone relaunched, sleeker and faster than ever before. Subsequent jostling for market share between iPhone and BlackBerry also means that they are no longer the preserve of the business world. Katie, a full-time mother, 36, admits that her husband frequently growls at her to remove her BlackBerry from the bedroom. "He just can't bear that blasted green blinking light flashing across the bedroom like a laser. I usually end up hiding it under a pillow," she says.

Such technology, it seems, is designed to hook the user in, leaving a partner feeling even more irritated and excluded. I'm painfully aware of this as a BlackBerry user myself and, shamefully, have to admit to ignoring small children's pleas and my husband's protestations, to reflexively reach for the device whenever that green turns to red - meaning mail's in.

"There is something quite compelling about contemporary gadgetry," says Martin Lloyd-Elliot, a relationships psychologist. "These new designs seem to activate part of the brain that wants to be absolutely absorbed and, like computer games, they can create a strange altered state in the user, in which he or she is with you but not available to you." Lloyd-Elliot's patients frequently report a strange dislocated feeling when a partner is immersed in another virtual hemisphere.

"Sometimes it's an almost tragic scene. The couple are on holiday with their children and dad's eyes are are glued to a bit of electronic gadgetry. He's present but he's absent at the same time. The very technology that is meant to bring people together is increasingly separating us from those we need to attend to most."

Philip, 34, a software designer, used to be in thrall to his latest iPhone until he struck a compromise with his long-suffering girlfriend: "I've agreed that it's fine to use at work but as soon as I'm in the home, putting the kids to bed and being with my family, I switch it off. At weekends, I've agreed reluctantly that I can &#8216;check in' for an hour a day but not in the evenings or when we're out. My partner was getting so annoyed, I knew I had to curb my habit. I still miss it, though."

Ring-fencing, as Lloyd-Elliot refers to it - when a "gadgetolic" limits his or her usage to certain times and places in negotiation with his or her partner - is a method that he encourages with his patients.

However, the only way a new etiquette can really work is through increased self-awareness on the part of the user. For starters, users have to realise how their behaviour can affect others. As Lloyd-Elliot says: "There is something arrogant about the mindset that goes with this trend - the sense of always thinking that what you've got to say is so important it can't wait. There's also an absence of thoughtful empathy; how you are making those around you feel."

Dr Emma Short, a senior lecturer in psychology, agrees. "It's about being mindful about the choices you make. Whenever you take a call or reply to a message in front of someone, you are prioritising what is an absent presence." In terms of your relationship and how your partner feels, she says, think about who you are promoting above whom when you hear that beep or see that flashing light.

Finally, don't allow any mobile device beyond your bedroom door, and never in the marital bed. If in doubt, cast your mind back to last year, when Madonna confessed that she and Guy Ritchie "lie with our BlackBerrys under our pillows. It's not unromantic. It's practical." Six months later they'd separated. Take heed - turn off that green flashing light now.

The rules for balancing technology and relationships - Times Online

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