Single Parenthood

[MwafrikaHalisi]

Ahsante MammaMia. . .
Nimefurahi kua umegusia swala la mama wa kambo. Binafsi pale ambapo mama anaweza(kimatendo-hali na mali, kifikra,matakwa) kuwalea watoto ambao ni chini ya angalau miaka 8 basi waachwe kwa mama. Yani pamoja na kwamba mimi ni mmoja wa watu wanaoamini kwamba bado wapo wanawake wenye mioyo ya kibinaadamu linapokuja swala la mama wa kambo, bado siko tayari kumwachia mwanamke mwingine ambae sio ndugu wala rafiki yangu ninaemwamini anilelee mtoto ambae hawezi kushtaki wala kujitetea pale anapoonewa.

Ila inapotokea mwanamke anakua hana mapenzi na wanae basi baba awe karibu sana na watoto kuhakikisha kwamba mwenzi wake mpya au hata dada wa kazi hafanyi zaidi ya anavyotegemea yeye.

Experienced and wise. Me likey likey

 

[TaiJike]

Kwangu mimi haijalishi ni kijana au la, kama swala la divorce limelazimika ntatulia kulea watoto wangu mpaka hapo watakapokuwa na kujitemea, mwili kunisumbua ni rahisi kuuhudumia bila kuathiri ufahamu wa watoto kuliko kuwaletea Baba/Mama ambaye hatawajali kama ni sehemu ya maisha yake na hivyo kuwaharibia kila kitu ktk maisha yao.

 

[KIKUNGU]

Kikungu unanifanya niongee bwana wakati mimi ningependa kuwa mpokeaji tu leo. Mimi ni muathirika mmojawapo ndio maana nasubiri mawazo ya watu 'LABDA' yanaweza kunisaidia kufanya maamuzi:wink2:
Divorce is not the end of the road, it isn't easy and it is not what we would have chosen. Kikubwa kuliko vyote we need to focus on our children. If we damage our children's future,we damage and diminish ourselves as well. Kama mmeachana wakati watoto ni wadogo lets say 2yrs ni vizuri zaidi ulee watoto wako angalau wakue kuliko kukimbilia kuoa/kuolewa. Watoto wakishakua na uwezo wa kutambua na kuweza kujielezea hapo unaweza kuanza kufikiria pande hiyo nyingine. Tunawaumiza sana watoto kwenye haya matatizo jamani,sio makosa yao ngoja niishie hapa maana huwa nakua extremely emotional inapofika swala la watoto.

Mama wa kambo ni kifaa kingine tofautiii bora baba wa kambo aisee,ukimpata mwenye mapenzi ya kweli mshukuru sana Mungu.....kama kuna mama wa kambo anasoma hapa na anajijua kuwa anatesa/kunyanyasa mtoto wa mwanamke mwingine kweli muombe Mungu akusamehe na uache hiyo tabia. Machozi ya huyo mtoto na mama yake hayataishia chini bureee wallaih. Na mkumbuke kuna leo na kesho utakufa utaacha mtoto wako atateswa kama ulivyokua unamtesa mtoto wa mwenzio.

Thanks Mama Tuli kwa ku-share nasi japo kidogo na pole sana kwa situation nzima

 

[Bishanga]

Wacha kusema ndoa za siku hizi mbona sisi tumeoa na hatuna matatizo, mnao waza mambo ya kuwachana kwanini mlioa??

Hivi mtu anaoa kwa sababu gani??

Sijawahi kusikia ndoa zikafananishwa na ujio wa Yesu, naona wewe unataka kukufuru sasa :cool2:

temea mate chini Fazaa, una muda gani kwenye ndoa yako?

 

[Bishanga]

Yaani unaoa ili udivorse, uwe single parent afu ili uanze kutafuta mke tena??
Duh, mbona unagawanya kwa njia ndefu sana?

Konnie,umeoa/umeolewa?

 

[Bishanga]

Kikungu.... Kwanza naomba niseme kua mtazamo wa namna hio (looking towards a divorce) kama upo katika ndoa sio mzuri.... Ina maana kama upo ndani ya ndoa na ina matatizo badala ya kutafuta suluhu ya kuweza weka sawa wewe unaangalia a way out. That is not advisable kumbuka waweza toka hapo ukaoa mwanamke mwingine ukawa umeruka majivu na kukanyaga moto... However haya mambo katika jamii yapo; Hivo kweli ni msingi kutafakari kuhusu hilo swala.... Bahati mbaya ni moja ya sehemu ambayo inaumiza saana kichwa..

Asha,hapo kwenye red naomba nikuulize,hivi kwanini wazungu wanasainishana 'prenuptial' na kwa nini wanawake wa kiswahili wanajenga majumba bila waume zao kujua (na ni wengi hawa)? naomba jibu ndo niendelee.....

 

[Bishanga]

Kikungu unanifanya niongee bwana wakati mimi ningependa kuwa mpokeaji tu leo. Mimi ni muathirika mmojawapo ndio maana nasubiri mawazo ya watu 'LABDA' yanaweza kunisaidia kufanya maamuzi:wink2:
Divorce is not the end of the road, it isn't easy and it is not what we would have chosen. Kikubwa kuliko vyote we need to focus on our children. If we damage our children's future,we damage and diminish ourselves as well. Kama mmeachana wakati watoto ni wadogo lets say 2yrs ni vizuri zaidi ulee watoto wako angalau wakue kuliko kukimbilia kuoa/kuolewa. Watoto wakishakua na uwezo wa kutambua na kuweza kujielezea hapo unaweza kuanza kufikiria pande hiyo nyingine. Tunawaumiza sana watoto kwenye haya matatizo jamani,sio makosa yao ngoja niishie hapa maana huwa nakua extremely emotional inapofika swala la watoto.

Mama wa kambo ni kifaa kingine tofautiii bora baba wa kambo aisee,ukimpata mwenye mapenzi ya kweli mshukuru sana Mungu.....kama kuna mama wa kambo anasoma hapa na anajijua kuwa anatesa/kunyanyasa mtoto wa mwanamke mwingine kweli muombe Mungu akusamehe na uache hiyo tabia. Machozi ya huyo mtoto na mama yake hayataishia chini bureee wallaih. Na mkumbuke kuna leo na kesho utakufa utaacha mtoto wako atateswa kama ulivyokua unamtesa mtoto wa mwenzio.

come on mamaT,stop here and relax,ka vipi hama kwenye hii thread,i can see your tears!

 

[Bishanga]

Kwanza kabisa it crucial you take enough time to recover from the dirvorce/break-up, evaluate you past relationship and find out why it ended in a 'ditch, rebuild and find YOURSELF again maana kutoka kuwa 'mke/mume/mpenzi wa fulani' kwa muda ambao ni mrefu kiasi mpaka kuwa 'fulani tu' sio kitu kirahisi and mostly make sure the kids (if they are old enough) understands that they are NOT responsible for your marriage/relationship not working out AND your relationship with them hasn't changed.

Ukishaona kwamba sasa kweli mimi ni fulani tu (your are not hung up on the EXIE, be it for pleasant or unleasant reasons) and you are ready to move on, fall in love and commit to someone else then . .

First. . .Make sure you find someone that you are truly inlove with so it'll be easier to deal with him/her when things aren't so 'pretty'.
2. . .be completely honest about your situation, let them decide for themselves whether they want to be part of your 'messy' life or not.
3. . .Make sure he/she LIKE KIDS and LOVE YOURS.
4. . .tengeneza mazingira ya watoto wako kumpenda especially kama ni wakubwa wakubwa maana most of the time hawa wadogo wadogo hua hawana tatizo.
5. . .if you have older kids both of you have to make an effort to assure them that the new man/woman in your life is not there to replace their mummy/daddy. They oughtta know that this new person is there to enrich your life and theirs, not to take this or that away.
6. . .find out msimamo wake about having more kids hata kama ana wakwake pia ili uone kama mtakua kwenye mstari mmoja. Maana sometimes utakuta mtu ye ana mtoto. . .anataka mwanaume/mke asie na mtoto huku akidai kua hayuko tayari kuzaa mwingine kitu ambacho ni cha kibinafsi sana.
7. . .Make sure you EXIE does not dictate your current relationship and she/he understands that your relationship and contact is all about the kids. Not about what you and your new 'sugar' does as long as the two of you are not corrupting the kids in one way or the other.
8. . .Pop "THE QUESTION"/say "YES". . . make it official and be good couple and good parents.

Easily said than done my dear Lizzy, i have been through the entire mchakato kuoa,kuzaa,divorce,remarry, kuzaa ,divorce and eventually u single father. Nashukuru Mungu wanangu nimeweza kuwa pull through (mdogo yuko secondary,wakubwa wamemaliza college). Lizzy,God willing siku moja nitakupa full tamthilia ya hekaya za Bishanga!

 

[MAMMAMIA]

Blue - Na mara nyingi mume/mke huwa wanaangalia maslahi zaidi kuliko hilo jukumu la kulea unless wote wawe divorced./QUOTE]
Asante Mama Tuli kwa maangalizo yako. Kuhusu hili ulilolionesha Blue, kama utaangalia sehemu nyingi katika maelezo yangu (isipokuwa kama kuna haja ya kufafanua au kwa kusahau) nimewataja wote mwanamke/mwanamke ili kuepuesha lile nililolitaja mwanzo, la kuwatia watu wote katika kapu moja.

 

[KIKUNGU]

Easily said than done my dear Lizzy, i have been through the entire mchakato kuoa,kuzaa,divorce,remarry, kuzaa ,divorce and eventually u single father. Nashukuru Mungu wanangu nimeweza kuwa pull through (mdogo yuko secondary,wakubwa wamemaliza college). Lizzy,God willing siku moja nitakupa full tamthilia ya hekaya za Bishanga!

Bishanga thanks for your contributions,could you please PM me one day so that we can share more of your experiences and how you went through with those traumas of divorcing and remarrying.

 

[ram]

Yes , maisha yanaendelea, japo kunachangamoto lakini si kama zile nilizokutana nazo wakai niko ndoani

pole, life goes on

 

[ram]

Bishanga kumbe hata wewe ni muathirika wa hii kitu?
Pole aise, ila mimi nilijifunza mambo mengi sana baada ya kudivorce, jamii ilininyooshea kidole na kuona kwamba nimeshindwa kuilinda ndoa yangu, nilionekana mimi ni mkosefu na kweli from my heart hiki kitu kiliniumiza sana sana sana, sana tu lakini nawaambieni jamani acheni Mungu aitwe Mungu, ukimtegemea na kumwamini katika maisha hakuna kitakachoharibika. Tuliachana mtoto alikuwa pre-unit nw yuko std 4, bado naamini Mungu atanifanikisha nimfikishe pale ninapotamani afikie kielimu

Easily said than done my dear Lizzy, i have been through the entire mchakato kuoa,kuzaa,divorce,remarry, kuzaa ,divorce and eventually u single father. Nashukuru Mungu wanangu nimeweza kuwa pull through (mdogo yuko secondary,wakubwa wamemaliza college). Lizzy,God willing siku moja nitakupa full tamthilia ya hekaya za Bishanga!

 

[KIKUNGU]

Bishanga kumbe hata wewe ni muathirika wa hii kitu?
Pole aise, ila mimi nilijifunza mambo mengi sana baada ya kudivorce, jamii ilininyooshea kidole na kuona kwamba nimeshindwa kuilinda ndoa yangu, nilionekana mimi ni mkosefu na kweli from my heart hiki kitu kiliniumiza sana sana sana, sana tu lakini nawaambieni jamani acheni Mungu aitwe Mungu, ukimtegemea na kumwamini katika maisha hakuna kitakachoharibika. Tuliachana mtoto alikuwa pre-unit nw yuko std 4, bado naamini Mungu atanifanikisha nimfikishe pale ninapotamani afikie kielimu

Pole sana ram,keep going nothing will stop you unless you decide to be stopped

 

[AshaDii]

Asha,hapo kwenye red naomba nikuulize,hivi kwanini wazungu wanasainishana 'prenuptial' na kwa nini wanawake wa kiswahili wanajenga majumba bila waume zao kujua (na ni wengi hawa)? naomba jibu ndo niendelee.....

Hio Prenuptial agreement ni kuweka mazingira ya kuhakikisha kua mali ya mmoja wa spouse (hasa mwenye pesa nyingi) inabaki kua ni place in cases of emergency... Hio ya wanawake kujenga nyumba, I believe ni more of a safety net pale ambapo mume anakua ana ku mistreat na una hakika na future yako hapo.

 

[Mamushka]

Haaaa haaaa, nomba nicheke kwanza ndo niendelee kusoma, eti ujio wa yesu haaa haaa, my dear kama una watoto wako,kaa kwanza vuta muda kidogo laa sivyo kama ulitoka kwenyemahusiano au ndoa ngumu, ukikimbilia ndoa tena, kuangukia pua kwa mara nyingine tena hua ni rahisi zadi.

Hakuna raha kama kuishi mwenyewe na watoto au mtoto wako, mradi uwe na uwezo tu wa kuwatunza, Japo kweli wanahitaji malezi ya wazazi wawili, lakini kama imetokea bahati mbaya, basi wakati ukimuomba mweyezi Mungu akupatie anaekufaa bila hofu yeyote, Kama ukiwa ni mwanaume jitahidi kuwapa malezi bora watoto na kuhakikisha unafukiafukia matuta ya vitu alivyofanya mama yao kama mapenzi kuyazidisha.

Hali kadharika hata mama, unahitaji kufanya yale yote na zaidi alokua akiyafanya babayao, kama elim wapatiwe, wapate muda wa kucheza maadili mema tena ya ki Mungu, zawadi za hapa na pale bila kuwadekeza na kuwafanya wajinga hilo ndo la muhim. Zaidi ya hapo Mumea au Mke hutoka kwa Mungu.

 

[Mamushka]

Bishanga kumbe hata wewe ni muathirika wa hii kitu?
Pole aise, ila mimi nilijifunza mambo mengi sana baada ya kudivorce, jamii ilininyooshea kidole na kuona kwamba nimeshindwa kuilinda ndoa yangu, nilionekana mimi ni mkosefu na kweli from my heart hiki kitu kiliniumiza sana sana sana, sana tu lakini nawaambieni jamani acheni Mungu aitwe Mungu, ukimtegemea na kumwamini katika maisha hakuna kitakachoharibika. Tuliachana mtoto alikuwa pre-unit nw yuko std 4, bado naamini Mungu atanifanikisha nimfikishe pale ninapotamani afikie kielimu

Ram, Mungu wetu ni mwaminifu sana, tena walokua wakikunyooshea vidole, watafute sasa hivi kama wengine bado wako kwenye hizo ndoa. Cha muhim ni kumshukuru Mungu tu kwa makuu anayokutendea, kwani pengine hata kazidi kukufungulia milango. Mungu ni mwema sana.

 

[KIKUNGU]

Haaaa haaaa, nomba nicheke kwanza ndo niendelee kusoma, eti ujio wa yesu haaa haaa, my dear kama una watoto wako,kaa kwanza vuta muda kidogo laa sivyo kama ulitoka kwenyemahusiano au ndoa ngumu, ukikimbilia ndoa tena, kuangukia pua kwa mara nyingine tena hua ni rahisi zadi.

Hakuna raha kama kuishi mwenyewe na watoto au mtoto wako, mradi uwe na uwezo tu wa kuwatunza, Japo kweli wanahitaji malezi ya wazazi wawili, lakini kama imetokea bahati mbaya, basi wakati ukimuomba mweyezi Mungu akupatie anaekufaa bila hofu yeyote, Kama ukiwa ni mwanaume jitahidi kuwapa malezi bora watoto na kuhakikisha unafukiafukia matuta ya vitu alivyofanya mama yao kama mapenzi kuyazidisha.

Hali kadharika hata mama, unahitaji kufanya yale yote na zaidi alokua akiyafanya babayao, kama elim wapatiwe, wapate muda wa kucheza maadili mema tena ya ki Mungu, zawadi za hapa na pale bila kuwadekeza na kuwafanya wajinga hilo ndo la muhim. Zaidi ya hapo Mumea au Mke hutoka kwa Mungu.

Thanx Mamushka,am humbled t5o share these with you.Thanks again

 

[Mamushka]

Nilisahau sasa kutoa ushauri , baada ya kutoa experience yangu. Ushauri wangu mdogo kwako, ni kuwa hesabu gharama na faida za kutaka kupata replacement ( sijui kama ni sawa kuita hivyo).
Inawezekana , mahitaji yakazidi uwiano wa faida za kukaa mwenyewe, maana uhitaji wa mwili si mchache nao; lakini kama unaweza kufanya timing, yaani isiwe too sudden, na hasa kama una watoto . Jipeni muda wa kukaa pamoja kama familia na ku establish values zenu ili pia anapokuja mtu mwingine isiwe kama mmechanganya mapera, pilipili, nyanya chungu na chai. Yaani vitu havikamatani. Muwe na cohesion nyie kwanza.
Kumbuka yule mtu anayekuja naye ana vionjo vyake, whether naye ana watoto au hana. Kwahiyo akija akakuta tena na huku hapana mashiko, ndio inaanza lawama au nagging kuwa ' ndo maana ndoa yako ya mwanzo haiku work out' ambayo sio mazuri.

Naongea kwa kuvuta hisia hapa maana loh, nikivuta mafaili yangu huko nyuma, nasikia kuzizima. Yalinikuta hasa. ( anyways, hapa si mahala pake!)

Mwisho wa siku, sala. Kwa imani yoyote uliyo nayo, Mungu awe mbele na busara ya utu uzima itawale, lengo likiwa ni kupunguza athari kwa watoto na pia ku maintain sanity yako.

Waktabahu

Kweli umeongea mwaya.

 

[Mamushka]

Thanx Mamushka,am humbled t5o share these with you.Thanks again

Tuko pamoja mkuu.

 

[Mamushka]

Asha,hapo kwenye red naomba nikuulize,hivi kwanini wazungu wanasainishana 'prenuptial' na kwa nini wanawake wa kiswahili wanajenga majumba bila waume zao kujua (na ni wengi hawa)? naomba jibu ndo niendelee.....

AshaDii, watu hua hawaachani bila kutafuta suluhu hata siku moja. Naomba ufikiri kidogo , mfano umetafuta suluhu kwa muda wa zaidi ya mika mpaka suluhu zote mkazimaliza, kama ni washauri, viongozi wa dini, wazazi, mkaamua mambo yenu muwe mnayamaliza wenyewe bado tu yasiishe, mkaachana na kupeana muda kidogo, mkarudiana bado kitu kiko palepale, kinachofuatia hapo itakua ni nini? nadhani jibu pekee ni kwamba tulipendana sana lakini ndoa imeshindikana. Huo hua ni uamuzi mgumu kuliko chochote nikama kujilipua tu lakini ukishaamua maisha hua yanaenda tena kwa amani sana, kuliko maisha ya kulia kila siku kwa jina la ndoa NO!