18. Has your partner violated what for you is a bottom line?
* If my partner did……………………………………………………………………………..
…then I'd feel I'd have to leave the relationship
* If my partner didn't do……………………………………………………………………
…then I'd feel I'd have to leave the relationship
* If these things were true about my partner…………………………………
…then I'd feel I'd have to leave the relationship
20. Is there a clearly formulated, passionately held difference between you that has to do with the shape and texture and quality of your life as you actually experience it?
21. In spite of all the ways you're different, would you say that deep down or in some respect that's important to you, your partner is someone just like you in a way you feel good about?
LIST
* Things I look forward to in my new life when I think about leaving
* Things I'm afraid of in my new life that make me think about staying.
For each item on the list ask:
* Is this true?
* Is this likely?
then
* What else is possible?
* What's most likely?
22. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem impossible, difficult or unpleasant?
23. With your new, more complete, more realistic set of information about what it would be like for you if you left, have you discovered new, more probable realities that now make leaving seem easier, more attractive and make staying no longer desirable?
24. Does your partner do such a good job of conveying the idea that you're a nut or a jerk or a loser or an idiot about parts of yourself that are important to you that you've started to really become demonstrably convinced of it yourself?
25. As you think about your partner's disrespect, is it clear to you that you do everything possible to limit your contact with your partner, except for times where you absolutely must interact?
26. Do you feel that your partner, overall and more often than not, shows concrete support for and genuine interest in the things you're trying to do that are important to you?
27. Whatever was done that caused hurt and betrayal, do you have a sense that the pain and damage has lessened with time?
28. Is there a demonstrated capacity and mechanism for genuine forgiveness in your relationship?
29. Is it likely that, if you have a reasonable need, you and your partner will be able to work out a way for you to get it met without too painful a struggle?
30. Is there some particular need that's so important to you that if you don't get it met, looking back you'll say your life wasn't satisfying, and are you starting to get discouraged about ever having it met?
31. Given the way your partner acts, does it feel as though in getting close to you what he's most interested in is subjecting you to his anger and criticism?
32. When the subject of intimacy comes up between you and your partner, is there generally a battle over what intimacy is and how to get it?
33. Does your relationship support your having fun together?
34. Do you currently share goals and dreams for your life together?
35. If all the problems in your relationship were magically solved today, would you still feel ambivalent about whether to stay or leave?