Men and Emotional Intimacy

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A man who can cry is a man who has learned some secrets about intimacy. But sadly, for many men it takes something tragic or life-changing before they understand this truth.

Here are a few ways you can tell if the man you love has trouble with intimacy or struggles to open up:

He’s unable to discuss his feelings.
He’s determined to avoid his feelings.
He’s unable to express love, sorrow, or pain.
He’s unable or unwilling to cry.
He’s determined to make all situations into a joke.

He’s determined to lighten the mood or change the topic when emotional issues are discussed.
He physically leaves the room when emotional issues are discussed.
He’s insensitive to the emotions of those around him.

Most men–unfortunately–do not undergo such traumatic experiences as the one described above. Yet many boys emerge from adolescence with a strong sense that being strong and unfeeling is the “masculine” thing to do. When a male brain is saturated in testosterone, it doesn’t take much, even from well-meaning family members, to give a boy the message that emotions and feelings are only for girls.

Here are some things your husband may have heard when growing up–things that may have shaped him into a seemingly uncaring person:

“Don’t cry unless you’re hurt.”
“Tough it out.”
“Boys don’t cry.”
“Only sissies get hurt feelings.”
“It’s a sign of weakness to let people know you’re hurting.”

If you love a man who doesn’t seem to be able to express his feelings, you might want to consider using word pictures to help him identify what’s going on inside. A word picture uses a story or object to simultaneously activate the emotions and intellect of the hearer. As a result, he experiences your words rather than just hearing them.

It’s important to realize that helping your husband learn to express his feelings will take time. You might have to use several examples or try for several days, weeks, or even months before he is able to feel and share with you what’s in his heart. And until he reaches that point, he won’t be able to connect with you on an emotional intimate level.

Based on what I’ve learned in my many years of counseling, I’ve found that a woman’s definition of intimacy is very different from a man’s. Consider the following lists:

What women mean by intimacy

Deep emotional connection
Daily time sharing your heart
Daily time hearing the heart of the one you love
Ability to cry easily and together at emotional moments
A sensitivity to know immediately when feelings are hurt
Understanding each other’s dreams and goals
Closeness of the heart and soul

What men mean by intimacy

Deep physical connection
Foreplay
Hand-holding, hugging, kissing
Understanding each other’s physical needs
An ability to communicate physical needs
Physical time alone together
A sensitivity to know when physical needs are present

One of the reasons men may be more focused on physical closeness is that men aren’t as sensitive to physical touch as women are. In other words, it takes more physical touch to meet a man’s physical needs. In the same way that a woman has twice the daily word count, a man has twice the need for physical stimulation.

The point is this: Women often feel unloved because their emotional needs aren’t being met, and in the same way, men often feel ignored because their physical needs aren’t being met.

I think the problem is clear at this point: Guys have trouble with true emotional intimacy.
Written by Dr. Gary Smalley