Vichekesho mbalimbali kutoka mtandaoni. Tucheke kabla ya kulia october 29

Jamaa yuko na mwanamke wake ndani ya range rover yake mpya. Akamwambia;
Jamaa:babe kuna kitu nilitaka kukuambia ila nikaogopa utaniacha!

Mwanamke: nini hicho?

Jamaa: nimeoa!

Mwanamke: mxuuuu! Umenistua! Mi nikadhani hii gari sio yako!
 
Jamaa kaingia na panga limenonelewa vizuri:
Jamaa: nani humu ni muislam?
Watu wote kimya!! Jamaa akarudia tena "nani humu ni muislam"? Watu bado wakauchuna! Akachukua mmoja aliyekaa mlangoni akatoka nae nje!!

Jamaa: aisee samahani, ninaomba unichinjie n'gombe wangu!
Muilam akachinja. Alipomaliza akamwambia jamaa kwamba yeye hajui kuchuna labda arudi tena msikitini! Jamaa akarudi msikitini akiwa na panga lake lina damu!!

Jamaa: nani humu ni muislam?
Watu wote wakamnyooshea imam vidole!
Imam kwa kujitetea akasema
imam: aisee acheni hizo, yaani kuswalisha tu hapa mbele tayari nishakua muislam??
 
Mchungaji akiwa mbele akasema "fanya jambo moja la kumshangaza mungu". Dakika 2 nyingi mchaga akasepa na kapu la sadaka!!!!
 
UFUGAJI WA NGURUWE NI SHIDOO!

MWANAHARAKATI: hawa nguruwe unawalishaga nini?

MFUGAJI: nawalishaga mabaki ya chakula kutoka restaurants mbalimbali.

MWANAHARAKATI: unawalisha wanyama chakula kichafu! akapigwa faini! siku chache baadae wakaja wanaharakati kutoka umoja wa mataifa.

WANAHARAKATI: hawa nguruwe unawalishaga nini?

MFUGAJI: nawaanzia siku na uji wa ulezi na mkate. mchana wanakula ugali na kabichi halafu usiku viazi!

WANAHARAKATI: loh! yaani watu wanakufa na njaa wewe unachezea chakula!! akapigwa faini! siku chache baadae wakaja wanamazingira.

WANAMAZINGIRA: hawa nguruwe unawalishaga nini?

MFUGAJI: (akasita kidogo) hawa huwa nawapa kila nguruwe alfu tano wanaenda kujinunulia wenyewe wanachotaka!!
 
Jamani duniani kuna watu wa ajabu! Jana kanisani nimekaa karibu na jamaa mmoja anavuta sigara bila uwoga! Nilitetemeka nusura niangushe bia yangu!
 
Mangi mmja kaanguka mbele ya geti la TBL! Watu wakasema "amezimia mletee maji"! Mangi akajibu "ningetaka maji ningeenda kuanguka dawasco"!
 
Kuna vichaa walikuwa wakisafirishwa kutoka hospital moja kwenda nyingine. Walipokuwa njiani dereva akatoa ruhusa waende kuchimba dawa(kujisaidia) halafu safari iendelee. Walipotoka nje, kila mtu na njia yake wakakimbia! Dereva akamuuliza konda "sasa hapa tunafanyaje"? Konda akamwambia we niachie mimi nitalifix hilo suala! Akamwambia waende stendi, kufika wakakuta abiria ni wengi! Konda akashusha nauli, watu wakajaa ndani ya gari!! Konda akamwambia dereva, oyaa hakuna kituo ni moja kwa moja hadi hospital!!!!
 
Mmasai kaingia hotel ya kizungu, sasa shida ikaja kwenye kuongea kiingereza ili aagize msosi!! Kupepesa macho akaona watu fulani wameagiza mayai kwenye sahani zao!

MMASAI: waiter, you see them? give me their mother! i'm hungry!
 
Mmakonde aliagiza achomewe chips kwenye kibanda cha chips
MUUZA CHIPS: nikuwekee tomato?

MMAKONDE:tomato chili.

muuzaji wa chips akaweka vyote. kumpa mmakonde akaikataa!

MMAKONDE: nimekuambia tomato mimi chili, chacha wewe umeiweka! chacha chitaki iyo chipchi yako!
 
Wazungu bwana Wana tuharibia lugha, mzungu amekalibishwa atoe hotuba, mzungu -- chanchania oyee!!? ,wananchi --oyee!!?, mzungu--leo nimeleta mitombo mipya mipya,na mboo fupi fupi ,na ndevu ndefu,nanyege nyege mtamwaga hapa,,watu--hoiiiiiii!!?
 
Mmasai mmja alivamiwa na wezi wa mifugo. Wakaiba n'gombe wote kisha wakamfunga akiwa uchi kwenye mti! Kesho yake asubuhi watu wakamuona, wakaenda kumsaidia huku wakimpa pole.

MMASAI: mimi sisikitiki kisa wezi wameniibia n'gombe, namsikitikia yule ndama walomuibia mamaake, usiku alikuja kuninyonya dushelele yangu akidhani ni titi la mamaake!! kanipigisha bao 9!! hapa nilipo niko hoi mwili wote umechoka!
 
Old husband asked his old wife:

Old husband: do you feel sad when i go after young girls?

Old wife: no, not at all! Even dogs chase cars the can't drive!!
 
Mzungu akiwa anahutubia kiswahili

MZUNGU: kila nikitaka kunya naharisha! kila nikitaka kunya naharisha! leo nimekunya mbele yenu si mmeona?
watu wakabaki wanashangaa. ikabidi mkalimani aingilie kati:

MKALIMANI: mzungu anamaanisha kila nikitaka kuja nahairisha kila nikitaka kuja nahairisha leo nimekuja mbele yenu si mmeona?
 
Mmakonde kamaliza kunywa uji sasa ile anaenda kulipa kwa mama ntilie ikabidi ashukuru

Mmakonde: asante mama uchi wako ni mtamu saana! Na ulivyo wa moto huo!

Mama ntilie kachukua kikombe cha uji kammwagia usoni!
 
JUST A NUMBER
JUST A ROOM!

MIKE: i really love her!

DAVE: but she is 13 and you are 24?

MIKE: age is just a number!

DAVE: ohh yeah? and jail is just a room!
 
SWALI GUMU LA MROMBO!
Mrombo alipima nyama 1kg, akaagiza ichomwe. Baada ya kuchomwa akadai ipimwe tena. Baada ya kupimwa, ikaonekana 3/4! Akauliza 1/4 imeenda wapi? Akajibiwa imeenda na moto! Akauliza "kwahiyo nikipima 1/4 ikachomwa sitapata kitu?
Mpaka sasa hivi hawajamjibu! Ameenda tafutwa meneja!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Menu
Log in
Register
Cookies are required to use this site. You must accept them to continue using the site. Learn more…