Polee kijana. Potezea mapungufu ya Baba yako ili usipotee.Kila binadamu huwa anakuwa na mtihani wake... Leo nimeona nitoe japo snippet yangu, kwa vile hili jukwaa ni kubwa nadhani naweza kupata mtu wa kunibadilisha mawazo..
Kwanza kabisa.... I'll be 29 this month. Na kuna vitu huwa navipuuza but they're starting to make clear sense now..
Si unajua utu uzima dawa Buddha! So japo mapambano yanaendelea kuna time inabidi uwe vulnerable kidogo uache ego ikae pembeni maana haiweki chakula kwenye sahani wala kulipa kodi.
So, kufupisha stori ni hivi...
Mimi na mzee wangu hatuko sawa, na sioni dalili ya kuja kuwa sawa tena... Maana Kadri siku zinavyoenda nazidi kupata picha yake halisi na ninazdi kukosa connection nae kabisa sioni kama kuna umoja kati yetu..
Ninamheshimu sana mzee, amenipa maisha, ya kipekee sana, katusomesha, he was overly protective. Ila alikuwa sijui itakuwa sahihi kusema kapitiliza kutoa protection..
Baba yetu alikuwa mtu wa perfection yaani hataki kusikia ulisahahu nini, alikuwa hataki mazoea na watu growing up nimelelewa maisha ya geti kali.. Hatukua wa kishua hata ila ni vile tu mzee alikuwa na secure job.
Mama yangu was such a best woman ever existed (may she rest easy)
Sitaki kwenda deep zaidi, ila hayo maisha ni mabaya sana kwa watoto. Yanawaharibu sana kisaikolojia..
Mzee wangu alikuwa so controlling na ikifika hatua by the age of me getting to secondary school nikawa naona kabisa haya maisha sio right.. Yaani he was dealing with alot for sure, but even when since mom was still available akifanya vile vile kwake, so nimekuwa nikiona familia iliyo njema na yenye furaha kwa nje, but giza likitanda usiku ni hatari.. Kelele torture kwa wanaishi ndani.
Sitaki kuingia sana kuelezezea nini kulikuwa kinatokea ila nahisi mmepata picha sahihi..
Ili fika kipindi ikawa ukifika muda wa kurudi shule moyo unafurahi... Ila bado unatoka home na Maumivu tu, yaani it was hell... Na ukiwa mtoto wa kiume inapaswa umezee ndani. Usiwe weak, usiwe coward..
My school life was nerve wrecking, I never enjoyed it.. Hata ndugu hawakutaka kusikia kuhusu mimi na drama za mzee wangu. It was lonely as fvck.. It reached a point nikawa suicidal kabisa.. Ningekuwa najua mbinu za Kujimaliza ningelifanya hivyo.. I always thought of my mom.. Na hata kifo chake mzee pia alichagiza(she was tired of all the mess)... Na muda nikikaa kufikiri huwa natumia vibaya sana.
Kupunguza stori, ni kuwa beside yote hayo mzee katufunza kuwa disciplined, alikuwa ni mtu wa nothing happens usipo jituma. Na ilinisaidia sana kuperform shule I despite mazito niliyo kuwa na pambana nayo ndani.
Ila with all the chaos, nilipo fika chuo nilisema mazima home, or tuseme nilikuwa soo tired hata kumface mzee machoni ilikuwa trauma inducing. Ilikuwa hata akinioigia simu natetemeka kuokota.. Hiyo ni miaka ya 2021 na huko na maliza chuo nikasema.. I have nothing to do with him, nikajiapia ntarudi ila I was terribly tired of thinking atakuwa sawa. Ilikuwa ni kelele daily aisee..
Sasa baada ya kutoka home life ilikuwa ngumu mbaya mbovu... Sijawahi kuona uchungu wa kutafuta wazee, that's when life kicked me to the curve. Nililala chini mimi. All I had was money ya kodi tu. Nikifanya kazi kama mtumwa, na sijui hata ujasiri huo Ulitoka wapi.. All I did was for money, imagine unafanya kazi kutwa unapata elf5? Hapo Natafuta Ajira ya kujishikisha.
All was well, baada ya muda nikaanza kuwa stable, na maisha ya kaanza kuwa smooth, but trust me kuna muda kidogo nirudi home, ila ili shindikana kwa sababu ningeaibika tu. I worked my ass off nikaanza kuona matunda.. Japo Sija fika ila I see progress.
So baada ya miaka kama mi3 hivi ya ku struggle ndo sasa naanza kuiona picha halisi ya mzee, wangu. He only instilled fear on me. Nimejikuta nikichukia watu sana, nikichukia hasa kuona mtu ana I control... Hasa makazini. Sipendi mtu aniamrishe(huwa ina induce pain kutoka kwa mzee wangu)
I know ni kwa sababu ya zile kumbukumbu za mzee wangu, nimekuwa nikijibizana sana na maboss kazi baada ya kazi, nataka niwe my own boss. Ila we both know sio rahisi. Maisha ya nahitaji kujishusha ila kwangu inakuwa kipengele maana huwa naweza kuwa people pleaser au kujiona kupitiliza(hii ni imbalance ya bad treatment utotoni)
Najaribu kujifunza na kuwa bora, na naona matokeo kuhusu hilo(it's taken me years of shadow work)
Tukiachana na hayo yote, baada ya muda mrefu mzee amekuwa kama anataka nirudi, najua uzee na upweke utakua unammendea ila sioni kama nitaweza hata kumface tena.
Hivi unajua ile ya kuwa huna commonness na mtu? Yaani unajua kabisa huyu ni mtu wa namna gani, na unajua hata iweje hawezi kuwa wamoja?
Ndo ninavyo mwona baba yangu, I do respect and love him for being a good Dad. Ila ile treatment yake udogoni iliniharibu vibaya sana mustakabli wa maisha yangu, nimesha samehe na namtakia afya na maisha marefu sana but sioni kama tutakaa kuelewana tena. Yeye ana namna anayaona mambo ambavyo mimi sioni..
So kama mtu mzima, na utu uzima dawa nimeona hakuna haja tena ya kukaa na jambo lenye kuja kuwa na impact ambayo mimi huenda nisiione now.
Ningependa kama tungeacha drama kidogo katika hili, ingependeza kidogo.
Mahala gani hapo nilikutoa nje? 😂Usingechanganya kiinglish humo ingekua bonge la meseji...ila ulipoandika vinge vingi kuna mahali ulinitoa nje kabisa sio kwamba sikujua unataka kusema nini ila sikuona sababu ya kuandika kwa hiyo lugha halafu ukaharibu...😆😆
Any way mimi kama mzazi naendelea kujifunza...
Ushauri wangu samehe ili ujisamehe....
Pengi tuu 😅😅😅Mahala gani hapo nilikutoa nje? 😂
Kila binadamu huwa anakuwa na mtihani wake... Leo nimeona nitoe japo snippet yangu, kwa vile hili jukwaa ni kubwa nadhani naweza kupata mtu wa kunibadilisha mawazo..
Kwanza kabisa.... I'll be 29 this month. Na kuna vitu huwa navipuuza but they're starting to make clear sense now..
Si unajua utu uzima dawa Buddha! So japo mapambano yanaendelea kuna time inabidi uwe vulnerable kidogo uache ego ikae pembeni maana haiweki chakula kwenye sahani wala kulipa kodi.
So, kufupisha stori ni hivi...
Mimi na mzee wangu hatuko sawa, na sioni dalili ya kuja kuwa sawa tena... Maana Kadri siku zinavyoenda nazidi kupata picha yake halisi na ninazdi kukosa connection nae kabisa sioni kama kuna umoja kati yetu..
Ninamheshimu sana mzee, amenipa maisha, ya kipekee sana, katusomesha, he was overly protective. Ila alikuwa sijui itakuwa sahihi kusema kapitiliza kutoa protection..
Baba yetu alikuwa mtu wa perfection yaani hataki kusikia ulisahahu nini, alikuwa hataki mazoea na watu growing up nimelelewa maisha ya geti kali.. Hatukua wa kishua hata ila ni vile tu mzee alikuwa na secure job.
Mama yangu was such a best woman ever existed (may she rest easy)
Sitaki kwenda deep zaidi, ila hayo maisha ni mabaya sana kwa watoto. Yanawaharibu sana kisaikolojia..
Mzee wangu alikuwa so controlling na ikifika hatua by the age of me getting to secondary school nikawa naona kabisa haya maisha sio right.. Yaani he was dealing with alot for sure, but even when since mom was still available akifanya vile vile kwake, so nimekuwa nikiona familia iliyo njema na yenye furaha kwa nje, but giza likitanda usiku ni hatari.. Kelele torture kwa wanaishi ndani.
Sitaki kuingia sana kuelezezea nini kulikuwa kinatokea ila nahisi mmepata picha sahihi..
Ili fika kipindi ikawa ukifika muda wa kurudi shule moyo unafurahi... Ila bado unatoka home na Maumivu tu, yaani it was hell... Na ukiwa mtoto wa kiume inapaswa umezee ndani. Usiwe weak, usiwe coward..
My school life was nerve wrecking, I never enjoyed it.. Hata ndugu hawakutaka kusikia kuhusu mimi na drama za mzee wangu. It was lonely as fvck.. It reached a point nikawa suicidal kabisa.. Ningekuwa najua mbinu za Kujimaliza ningelifanya hivyo.. I always thought of my mom.. Na hata kifo chake mzee pia alichagiza(she was tired of all the mess)... Na muda nikikaa kufikiri huwa natumia vibaya sana.
Kupunguza stori, ni kuwa beside yote hayo mzee katufunza kuwa disciplined, alikuwa ni mtu wa nothing happens usipo jituma. Na ilinisaidia sana kuperform shule I despite mazito niliyo kuwa na pambana nayo ndani.
Ila with all the chaos, nilipo fika chuo nilisema mazima home, or tuseme nilikuwa soo tired hata kumface mzee machoni ilikuwa trauma inducing. Ilikuwa hata akinioigia simu natetemeka kuokota.. Hiyo ni miaka ya 2021 na huko na maliza chuo nikasema.. I have nothing to do with him, nikajiapia ntarudi ila I was terribly tired of thinking atakuwa sawa. Ilikuwa ni kelele daily aisee..
Sasa baada ya kutoka home life ilikuwa ngumu mbaya mbovu... Sijawahi kuona uchungu wa kutafuta wazee, that's when life kicked me to the curve. Nililala chini mimi. All I had was money ya kodi tu. Nikifanya kazi kama mtumwa, na sijui hata ujasiri huo Ulitoka wapi.. All I did was for money, imagine unafanya kazi kutwa unapata elf5? Hapo Natafuta Ajira ya kujishikisha.
All was well, baada ya muda nikaanza kuwa stable, na maisha ya kaanza kuwa smooth, but trust me kuna muda kidogo nirudi home, ila ili shindikana kwa sababu ningeaibika tu. I worked my ass off nikaanza kuona matunda.. Japo Sija fika ila I see progress.
So baada ya miaka kama mi3 hivi ya ku struggle ndo sasa naanza kuiona picha halisi ya mzee, wangu. He only instilled fear on me. Nimejikuta nikichukia watu sana, nikichukia hasa kuona mtu ana I control... Hasa makazini. Sipendi mtu aniamrishe(huwa ina induce pain kutoka kwa mzee wangu)
I know ni kwa sababu ya zile kumbukumbu za mzee wangu, nimekuwa nikijibizana sana na maboss kazi baada ya kazi, nataka niwe my own boss. Ila we both know sio rahisi. Maisha ya nahitaji kujishusha ila kwangu inakuwa kipengele maana huwa naweza kuwa people pleaser au kujiona kupitiliza(hii ni imbalance ya bad treatment utotoni)
Najaribu kujifunza na kuwa bora, na naona matokeo kuhusu hilo(it's taken me years of shadow work)
Tukiachana na hayo yote, baada ya muda mrefu mzee amekuwa kama anataka nirudi, najua uzee na upweke utakua unammendea ila sioni kama nitaweza hata kumface tena.
Hivi unajua ile ya kuwa huna commonness na mtu? Yaani unajua kabisa huyu ni mtu wa namna gani, na unajua hata iweje hawezi kuwa wamoja?
Ndo ninavyo mwona baba yangu, I do respect and love him for being a good Dad. Ila ile treatment yake udogoni iliniharibu vibaya sana mustakabli wa maisha yangu, nimesha samehe na namtakia afya na maisha marefu sana but sioni kama tutakaa kuelewana tena. Yeye ana namna anayaona mambo ambavyo mimi sioni..
So kama mtu mzima, na utu uzima dawa nimeona hakuna haja tena ya kukaa na jambo lenye kuja kuwa na impact ambayo mimi huenda nisiione now.
Ningependa kama tungeacha drama kidogo katika hili, ingependeza kidogo.
Hapana kuna mahali umepuyanga mdogo wangu...labda kama ume edit...siwezi kuonyesha pote...mimi labda kinishinde kuongea kile cha ndaani ila cha maandishi aweeee....Basi wewe kingereza cha kupiga chenga na hutaki kukubali😁
😍😍😍😍Story yako imekuelezea vizuri sana haswa reaction ambazo huwa unatoa humu.
Lakini haitoi uhalali wa wewe kuwa ulivyo, unajua kwa nini ?..
Ukiendelea kumlaumu mtu kwa jinsi ulivyo na bado unafanya vitu vile vile kwa watu wengine. Ni sawa na kuzalisha victims wengine ambao hawahusiki na makuzi yako
Yakubali yote, jikubali na jiache huru . Hapo utaipata amani na kuishi life unalostahili mkuu 🙏🏽
Hayo kuwa maisha ya kawaida huko miaka ya nyuma haimaanishi kwamba ni sahihi au haikuwa makosa. Jambo linaweza kuwa baya hata kama jamii inalichukulia kama ni jambo la kawaida.Mbona hakuna kibaya sana hapo alichofanya
Wale waliosoma shule za bweni za serikali miaka ya nyuma, ndio maisha ya kawaida hayo tuliyoishi kwa miaka 4/6...unachungwa hadi basi.....
Hii haiwahusu wale waliosoma shule za mabasi ya njano na nyingine za private
Hivi kweli kuna mzazi huwa anamchapa mtoto bila kumueleza kosa lake?Nakuelewa mkuu, viboko vinafaa ila baada ya adhabu mtuhumiwa aelezwe sababu ya kupigwa ili asione ameonewa
Najitahidi sana madam...Nashindwa kuelewa ni kwanini tayari unajua shida iko wapi then unaendeleza kile kile ambacho unadai hukupenda kufanyiwa.
Anyway, kwakuwa unajua kabisa shida ilipo, basi unayo nafasi ya kurekebisha na kuwa responsible kwa matendo yako mwenyewe.
Wazazi wetu wa kiafrika wana/walikuwa na namna yao ya kuonesha mapenzi yao kwetu na hiyo ni pamoja na kuhakikisha mahitaji yote tunapata na kusimamia yale wanayoamini kuwa ni sahihi kwetu kwa maisha yetu ya baadae. Sema hizi sinema na wanaharakati siku hizi ndio wamefanya tuone yale waliyoyafanya ni manyanyaso.
Watoto wa 2000 kwa kudeka....Pole jamaa, mimi ilinitokea kwa bro wangu asee alinitandika sanaa kisa mambo ya shule maana nilikuwa mvivu wa kuandika notes cha ajabu nilikuwa nafaulu mitihani
Huo ugomvi ilibidi bi mkubwa aingilie kati maana sikutaka hata kwenda kwenye ndoa yake, mama alitukalisha kwa machozi maana niliapa sitaki mazoea hata undugu ufe ila badae tulikuja kuwa sawa
Tunasubiri wa kwako tuone utawaleaje.Unajua hapa kuna context nyingi sana za kuongelea...
Ila naona kama Scars amedive moja kwa moja kwenye malezi...
Kwenye malezi kuna facets nyingi sana..
Hauwezi kureduce malezi kirahisi na kuja na conclusion ya moja kwa moja eti mzee alikuwa sahihi kuwaadabisha... To consider him sane kisa alikuwa mzazi bora, without looking on the psychological welfare, lakini pia kuingia ndani zaidi... Kujua how both culture and environment zinachagiza vikubwa growth ya mtoto..
It ain't that simple na kuridhika na mawazo ya namna hiyoo..
Waafrica tunapenda kureduce mambo ambayo ni soo complex, tunapenda kufeel closure kwenye kila jambo.. Na hii ndo inafanya hata matatizo ya kifamilia yasiishe kila kukicha
Hawawezi kuelewa kabisa, mimi mwenyewe pamoja na mzee alitoaga boko, ila alikuwa yupo sahihi kwenye vitu vingi mno. Sio mimi mpaka wadogo zake wanamkumbuka.Kwauzoefu wangu hiyo ni hali ya kawaida kwa vijana wengi wa rika kama lakwako ni stage tu katika ukuwaji wa ubongo wako ,Utaanza kumuelewa baba yako ukitimiza miaka kuanzia 35+