Gunner11
JF-Expert Member
- Nov 2, 2021
- 16,680
- 31,804
Wengi wetu humu tumo kwa ajili ya kutafta attention. (subconsciously kila mtu hupenda kuonekana)
Binafsi napenda kuwa the center of attention.
Sikupata attention, growing up. Sio kwamba wazazi hawakunipa maisha bora, nooo.. Ni kuwa nilikosa upendo wao wa dhati, ilionekana ya kuwa wao walinipenda pale nilipo perform jambo fulani.
Yaani, I had to pay a cost to be seen, to be appreciated. Ilibidi nipate makes za A darasani ili nionekane mtoto bora... It had to be a performance for them to love and see me... (him to see me!)
So, life to me was but a performance territory, an approval seeking paradigm where no and I mean no authentic self was given a chance to thrive.
Ila despite kufanya kila niwezalo hakuna mahala nikifika ni kaona sasa Nimeipata ile recognition. Ilikua nikifanya hili kesho tena ninatakiwa ni live up expectations zile zile na tena nifanye kwa ubora wa hali ya juu zaidi.
Kwa nini nasema haya, ni kwasababu watu wengi tunaishi kwa sababu ya kupata kile tulikosa. Hasa hasa tunarudi kwenye kitu mama kabisa nacho ni upendo..
Unavyo date na mtu, haudate yeye, unadate historia yake ambayo hajui weka wazi both kwako na kwake pia..
Naona watu wengi sana wanalia kuhusu kufanyiana matukio ila shida sio, wao ila ni unhealed childhood wounds. Wengi hawana utambuzi wa ndani kujua ni watu wa aina gani..(mimi included especially in my late teen years)
So hata mahusiano mengi yangu hayakudumu, sio kwamba hakukua na upendo ila, yalinifanya nione ya kuwa mimi ni mtu ambaye naweka expectations kubwa sana wapenzi wangu, nawafanya wajihisi they're not enough kwa sababu I was never told I was enough... (kama umefatilia hata humu huwa nakuwa soo aggressive ila japo niko sawa ila Kuna muda mpaka najistukia)
Mimi huwa napenda kila kitu kinyooke, nataka perfection. Napenda kila kitu mtu anacho fanya awe kanyooka, maneno yake awe anamaanisha, akipindisha maneno au nikiona tabia yake haziendani na kile anasema namchukia sana. Naona kama hajielewi ila ni reflection ya kile nikifanya utotoni ili nipendwe.
Nachochukia sio huyu mtu, bali ni yeye huamsha maumivu yangu niliyo pitia katika ukuaji wangu. Hii imenifanya niwe mtu nisiye penda watu wasio na u serious wa maisha. Kwa sababu si kupewa muda wa kuwa care free, niliona maisha kama mtihani.
Ila baada ya trial and error ya kupata experience... Nilijikuta tu nalazimishwa kuingia katika self discovery journey... Nimejifunza vitu vingi sana kuhusu nature ya binadamu, kuhusu psychology, kuhusu mind games, kuhusu spirituality...
Na japo kuna vitu vingi sana ila ukweli ni kuwa... Kukosa upendo ndo chanzo cha vitu vingi kuanzia, uraibu, meinendo na tabia za wengi.
Kadri navyozidi kujua haya yote ndivyo maisha yangu yame badilika sana, nimeanza kuona the other side of unrestricted love. Ya kuwa upendo haupimwi, upendo wa kweli ni unconditional. Si kila mtu anaweza kuwa perfect na uhalisia ni kuwa hakuna aliye perfect... Ni utumwa wa kujitakia na kujipa mzigo.
"we hate in others what we hate in ourselves"
Binafsi napenda kuwa the center of attention.
Sikupata attention, growing up. Sio kwamba wazazi hawakunipa maisha bora, nooo.. Ni kuwa nilikosa upendo wao wa dhati, ilionekana ya kuwa wao walinipenda pale nilipo perform jambo fulani.
Yaani, I had to pay a cost to be seen, to be appreciated. Ilibidi nipate makes za A darasani ili nionekane mtoto bora... It had to be a performance for them to love and see me... (him to see me!)
So, life to me was but a performance territory, an approval seeking paradigm where no and I mean no authentic self was given a chance to thrive.
Ila despite kufanya kila niwezalo hakuna mahala nikifika ni kaona sasa Nimeipata ile recognition. Ilikua nikifanya hili kesho tena ninatakiwa ni live up expectations zile zile na tena nifanye kwa ubora wa hali ya juu zaidi.
Kwa nini nasema haya, ni kwasababu watu wengi tunaishi kwa sababu ya kupata kile tulikosa. Hasa hasa tunarudi kwenye kitu mama kabisa nacho ni upendo..
Unavyo date na mtu, haudate yeye, unadate historia yake ambayo hajui weka wazi both kwako na kwake pia..
Naona watu wengi sana wanalia kuhusu kufanyiana matukio ila shida sio, wao ila ni unhealed childhood wounds. Wengi hawana utambuzi wa ndani kujua ni watu wa aina gani..(mimi included especially in my late teen years)
So hata mahusiano mengi yangu hayakudumu, sio kwamba hakukua na upendo ila, yalinifanya nione ya kuwa mimi ni mtu ambaye naweka expectations kubwa sana wapenzi wangu, nawafanya wajihisi they're not enough kwa sababu I was never told I was enough... (kama umefatilia hata humu huwa nakuwa soo aggressive ila japo niko sawa ila Kuna muda mpaka najistukia)
Mimi huwa napenda kila kitu kinyooke, nataka perfection. Napenda kila kitu mtu anacho fanya awe kanyooka, maneno yake awe anamaanisha, akipindisha maneno au nikiona tabia yake haziendani na kile anasema namchukia sana. Naona kama hajielewi ila ni reflection ya kile nikifanya utotoni ili nipendwe.
Nachochukia sio huyu mtu, bali ni yeye huamsha maumivu yangu niliyo pitia katika ukuaji wangu. Hii imenifanya niwe mtu nisiye penda watu wasio na u serious wa maisha. Kwa sababu si kupewa muda wa kuwa care free, niliona maisha kama mtihani.
Ila baada ya trial and error ya kupata experience... Nilijikuta tu nalazimishwa kuingia katika self discovery journey... Nimejifunza vitu vingi sana kuhusu nature ya binadamu, kuhusu psychology, kuhusu mind games, kuhusu spirituality...
Na japo kuna vitu vingi sana ila ukweli ni kuwa... Kukosa upendo ndo chanzo cha vitu vingi kuanzia, uraibu, meinendo na tabia za wengi.
Kadri navyozidi kujua haya yote ndivyo maisha yangu yame badilika sana, nimeanza kuona the other side of unrestricted love. Ya kuwa upendo haupimwi, upendo wa kweli ni unconditional. Si kila mtu anaweza kuwa perfect na uhalisia ni kuwa hakuna aliye perfect... Ni utumwa wa kujitakia na kujipa mzigo.
"we hate in others what we hate in ourselves"
